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18 July 2017

Chipotle restaurant

Chipotle greets customers with a familiar Mexican saying.

YES, Virginia -- A Chipotle’s Mexican Grill restaurant in Sterling has been shut down by management after reports that several customers became very ill.[1] By the symptoms shown, preliminary reports indicate it may either be due to a norovirus or the view of the theater marquee across the street where Suicide Squad is being re-run.

Reports were posted by 8 sickened customers to iwaspoisaaargh.com.

The outbreak could be due to a customer, but management is taking no chances. Customer Mary Mallon noted, "I’ve eaten at a lot of different Chipotles besides this one and never, ever had a problem. They're so nice, I’ll even go help wash pots and pans and such after I eat."

It was announced that, once again, investigation results will be carefully ignored by upper management and media so that the public can remain oblivious and complacent. Chipotle official Hugh Joquinn said, "Our sincerity in that statement is backed by our belief that most people don’t know what 'oblivious' and 'complacent' mean."

Chipotle management has gone to great lengths to overcome the problems of 2015, where a long string of contaminated food incidents plagued[2] the chain. New spokesperson Sean Spicer pointed to the free food promotion as being key to its recovery. "But first we had to chase out the private ambulances parked outside. They took up the closest parking spaces next to the restaurants. And they kept their engines running, annoying the customers. The crews waiting with gurneys in the foyers was bad enough." The plan to re-use old Lum’s signs over Chipotle signage and billboards also proved to be a success. "However, sales numbers didn’t rise until we installed auto-locking doors, so new customers couldn’t just bolt back to their cars."

Chipotle remains dedicated to eliminating problems in their stores. All new stores will be equipped with a small thermonuclear (thir-MOE-noo-kew-ler) device. That will absolutely sterilize everything within a 100-foot radius at the slightest hint of a cough, sneeze or repeated toilet flush. Even the refrigerators are new designs that any potential Indiana Jones-type couldn’t hide in.[3]

Older restaurants have begun to install pay toilets to recover profits, with a discounted prepaid express no-wait plan proving to be popular.

Meanwhile plans to install "Captain Zika’s Malaria Jungle" mini-playgrounds have temporarily halted while officials investigate this current problem.

edit References

  1. Not that kind, the other kind.
  2. Heheheheheh.
  3. TARDIS, okay. Fridge, no.

edit Sources

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