Hospital delivers meals to indigent shut-ins

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4 March 2007


Liver (and, sometimes, finger sandwiches and toe cheese): it's what's for dinner

CASCADE TOWNSHIP, MI - Thanks to the generosity of public-spirited Michigan General Hospital, indigent shut-ins in Cascade Township need not fear going to bed hungry. The hospital’s medical research laboratory frequently sends spare body parts imported from China to poor men and women who are unable to shop for groceries. “It’s our way of giving something back to the community,” the hospital’s director, Roberta Minze told Unnews’ reporter, Lotta Lies.

Franck and Ludivine Larmande were two of the most recent recipients of the hospital’s generosity when, quite unexpectedly, they received two “care packages” that were meant for an eighty-eight-year-old paraplegic but were delivered to their house instead, by accident.

Wrapped inside butcher’s paper and sealed inside bubble-wrapped Styrofoam containers full of ice, the first package contained part of a Chinese prisoner’s liver. “I didn’t know it was a human organ,” Franck said, “but Ludi and I were hungry enough to eat a horse--or horsemeat--so the liver looked mighty good to us, and we thanked our lucky stars that we were going to be able to eat well that night.”

“Open the other one, Franck,” his wife remembers telling her husband. “Maybe there’s enough there for tomorrow, too.”

As he began to unwrap the second item, Franck first thought that the package contained vegetables to complement the liver. “I saw something that looked like frozen cauliflower,” he said. However, as he continued to unwrap the contents of the second package, it was soon clear to both him and his wife that the cauliflower was actually a human ear. In fact, the package contained an entire human head, which had once belonged to the same condemned prisoner as the one from whom the liver had been harvested, following his execution.


Vittles are served (or will be, soon enough)

The couple notified the police, who determined that the body parts had been distributed to the needy by the hospital’s medical research lab and allowed the Larmandes to retain them for their meals, as intended.

According to Minze, 28 other bubble-wrapped coolers were delivered on the same night, all to their intended recipients, and, she promised, “as long as China keeps executing prisoners, the good, indigent, homebound citizens of Cascade Township, Michigan, will continue to enjoy delicious, nutritious, home-cooked meals.”

Several other Michigan cities are considering doing the same for its residents. “Our senior citizens are tired of eating dog food and road kill,” Mayor Henry Winker, of Flint, MI, said. “Cannibalism may be just the way to put a little variety into their diets.”

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