UnNews:Hospital Volunteer Murdered; Killer Rewarded Hansomely
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Hospital Volunteer Murdered; Killer Rewarded Hansomely
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, December 5, 2016, 04:51:UTC)(
3 May 2008
Written by: Winfield92
Local volunteer at Children’s Hospital and three homeless shelters was killed as her car went up in flames because of her fellow alumnus at her school, Sam Jones, was shooting at her with a pistol from a bush.
“She was the pride and joy of our drama club, a volunteer at Children’s Hospital, and just a full-blown goody-goody-two-shoes. Trust me, the bitch had it coming,” says Sam Jones.
However, when the paramedics arrived to rescue the girl from the fiery death trap, they forgot why they were there. So instead of pulling her out of the car, they decided to roast marshmallows over her burning agony. Later on, the hospital reported that the s’mores were good.
When the mayor of Coraopolis heard of this event, he was so proud that a citizen could do such great community service with a pistol that he gave Sam the key to the city.
The mayor of Coraopolis said, “I’ve never been so proud of anyone in my life. Sam truly performed a heroic deed.”
The mayor wasn’t the only person to have pride in Sam’s murder. In fact, the victim’s boyfriend, Mike Stevenson met Sam with the mayor on national television, when Sam was awarded the key of the city.
When Mike saw Sam with the key in his hand, he went up to the podium and shook Sam’s hand, saying, “Sam, you’ve truly done a good thing for all of us.”
It also happens that two college scouts witnessed the murder as well. They were so impressed with Sam proving that you can cause a car to go up into flames and explosions by shooting at it outside of the movies; they gave Sam a scholarship in the scientific department.
College scout from Penn State proudly states, “We thought igniting a car by merely shooting it was impossible, but Sam sure proved us wrong!”