UnNews:Honey, I shrunk the U.S Army!
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Honey, I shrunk the U.S Army!
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, January 22, 2017, 12:39:UTC)(
20 May 2009
SANJARAY, Afghanistan World renowned scientist Wayne Szalinski is being held at an Afghanistan based U.S training camp after his latest catastrophic stunt. Szalinski is known best for his publicity stunts, usually held in Cinemas, which have included shrinking his own children and then shrinking the audience and getting his dog to sneeze on them.
This morning over one hundred U.S. soldiers woke up appearing to have more blanket space than they went to bed with, "I thought I was still dreaming," commented Sgt Fortesque Schmaltz, who went from a towering 6'4" to a minuscule 4" overnight, "It wasn't until I burrowed out of the suffocating blankets that I was able to see what had happened, everything looked so big and I almost had to make use of my binoculars to just look across the room to check the other troops were okay."
Many of the effected soldiers have been persistent in their attempts to get on with their daily exercises and duties with only ten being separated from the others for further testing. Fortunately several new recruits avoided becoming victims to Wayne Szalinski, having only arrived the day before. These troops have now been given new duties - to aid and assist the smaller soldiers so that they can carry on performing as though normal. Private Harry Defner spoke of his new responsibilities, "For me it's an honour to be granted this opportunity to help these poor victims; my parents own a domiciliary care business and so it's not as though helping with personal care is a new thing for me." The recruits have been split into various groups which have taken on different activities including shredding toilet paper to a much smaller and convenient size, buying Action Man accessories such as water bottles and pistols and assault rifles as well as transforming cardboard boxes and burlap sacks into comfortable beds; all for the benefit of the, now vertically challenged, soldiers.
It is yet to be confirmed whether the shrinking of the soldiers is a result of a viral infection or of DNA manipulation, however the Government is positive that Wayne Szalinski is behind it. Major Tom Gordon gave a brief interview via telephone where he disclosed that "we are sure without a shadow of a doubt that Mr. Szalinski is responsible for this crime. This is partly due to the fact that he came forward and confessed, but mostly as a result of our Government's impressive interviewing techniques." As a result of ongoing tests on the food and water of the Training Facility, supplies are having to be flown in from the U.S. as well as the U.K.. It is unclear whether or not Szalinski will return to the United States for his trial and sentencing due to possible radioactive exposure. "We have to take into account the fact that Mr Szalinski may not be responsible for these tragic events. Due to the content of his work he comes into contact with radioactive substances and we're looking into the idea that not only may he be suffering from radiation poisoning but that the radiation itself may be to blame for the change in the size of our soldiers."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|