UnNews:Homosexuality causes evangelical sects

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Homosexuality causes evangelical sects

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16 November 2016

Bishop Tamaki

The Bishop trying to see the light.

AUCKLAND, New Zealand -- Bishop Brian Tamaki has finally revealed what causes evangelical religious sects to his close-knit group of followers in the Destiny church.

"I have warned these homosexual perverts that the Lord would bring down terrible punishments upon the entire earth if they persisted in their abominable acts. There can be no doubt that the emergence and proliferation of evangelical sects like the Destiny Church have been sent by God to torment humanity for their tolerance of unnatural sexual relations. Beg your pardon, ladies, I must be open about these things. Now the Bible tells us that these acts are shameful and sinful and those who indulge them will burn. That is to say, we evangelical preachers will strive to make their ears burn with our righteous sermons. We will also counsel others to assist us in this glorious cleansing of the people of the earth. And don't you heterosexuals who let them get away with it think that you're getting off. You deserve eternal damnation just as much as they do (Romans 1:18). Heavenly justice is before our eyes as I implore my followers to generously support the Destiny Church and they do so with cries of vengeful anger toward those who are not like them."

Bishop Tamaki continued to pontificate upon the recent earthquake in New Zealand, saying that he had predicted it in his sermons. When asked whether he had not also prophesied storms, plagues, droughts, heatwaves, glacial epochs, volcanoes, giant meteorite impacts, blackouts, whiteouts, the return of the dinosaurs (who had only died out about 1000 years ago), infinite replays of Cliff Richards songs, crotch rot and the failure of every crop except kale at various times, Bishop Tamaki replied that of course, God had a lot of tricks up his sleeve and he wasn't about to second guess the Creator on what sort of disaster would occur next, only that they would be delivered at the Creator's pleasure as long as homosexuality brought forth evangelical sects. When further questioned as to whether this might indicate that God was actually punishing humanity for supporting evangelical sects rather than homosexuality, Bishop Tamaki became rather agitated and began to speak in tongues.

As they shepherded Bishop Tamaki away, his followers assured us that we would soon regret making him upset, but could not provide any specific information as to why.

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