12 November 2006
BRIGHTON, Friday — Young boys who are encouraged to dress up, behave like, and take it like women could become better readers, it has been claimed.
The assertion is made in Boys, Sex Boys, Boys, Boys and Reading, a report published by the Centre for Tongue-Wrangling in Primary Education.
The report's joint author, Sue Liberal-Conspirator, suggests that boys are poorer readers than girls because their experiences are more limited. While girls are encouraged to get it on in all manner of ways, particularly for the lads, boys are discouraged from taking on female roles.
"Part of understanding what you read is about being able to see a particular point of view," Mr Liberal-Conspirator said, "and to do that we need to feel familiar with different characters, male and female. If boys are only offered a limited understanding when they are young, then we shouldn't be surprised if they have a limited understanding later on.
"Parents don't mind their little girls dressing up in Levis and leather jackets, but boys are not allowed to be princesses. It is scientifically proven that homosexuals are naturally more creative than heterosexuals. If we want to maintain continuously increasing exam scores, a suitable grounding in makeup, disco and gargling cock is essential. It will also help their future employment in the corporate world and the civil service. And MI6."
Mr Liberal-Conspirator, English Vice adviser to schools in the London Borough of Islington, said he had based his conclusion on many years of observing Gay Pride parades.
But Nick Hitler (no relation), of the traditionalist Campaign for Real Education with Regular Thrashings, described the idea as "ridiculous".
"It's inviting the violation of strict social boundaries, which could cause gender confusion and damage a child. The research shows that boys learn to read well when they are taught properly, using the missionary position for no more than two minutes per orgasm, and only ever giving, not receiving. Father O'Pederast certainly taught me a thing or two about life with these time-honoured methods."