Homosexual comic characters 'giving geeks ideas'

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20 October 2012


In retrospect, the latent homo-eroticism of the comics industry wasn't all that latent.

WESTCHESTER COUNTY, New York -- 2012 has proven to be a big, gay year in the world of comics - Kevin Keller, Archie comics' first gay character, got married in January, Canadian X-man Northstar followed suit in May, and DC's Green Lantern sidled out of the closet in June. The effect on geek culture is already making itself felt, with more and more freaks and losers turning to each other for man-on-man lovin'.

Jason Strang, 17, an appalling sap we found in the comic store, said: "It suddenly hit me one day. All my life I have been torturing myself, falling in love with girls who were out of my league [15 minute digression about Brian in My So Called Life removed] and then I was like, I spend all my free time looking at pictures of muscly men, and standing around stores with men, why don't I just start kissing and touching them?"

Ninety-eight-pound wonder Timothy Spallis, 16, plowed a similar furrow: "Like most kids, I spent my time jerking off to Psylocke and She Hulk, and then one day I tried doing it back-to-back with a friend of mine, and he was like 'Let's do it over Wolverine' and, one thing led to another, and now we're engaged."

Matthew Maynard, 19, took it all too far, saying: "I always fantasized about being a superhero and I wondered what my special power would be. Then I met this older guy at the Forbidden Planet store, and I found out I can [graphic sexual term deleted] him better than anyone."

While Gay and Lesbian rights groups have welcomed the development, school bullies are said to be distraught. Sociologist Dr Joanna Corey from California State University told us, "Traditionally, bullies have been able to attack geeks for being sexually inadequate - teenagers who get sex are seen to be popular, ipso fukto. A bully's brain is therefore confused when the target of his aggression immediately skips off and exchanges orgasms with another teenager. It could take generations before bullies recalibrate their paradigm and start pounding on geeks again. There are historical precedents. In the 1950s, for example, geeks enjoyed a brief period of grace as they formed a power bloc around primitive audio-visual clubs. It was a decade before any such club member received a wedgie. The current situation is even more complex - it's like an audio-visual club, but with come involved."

Homosexual comic characters 'giving geeks ideas' was an article written for the Noob only writing competition 2012!
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