UnNews:Homeland Security valiantly protects America from brown babies
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Homeland Security valiantly protects America from brown babies
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, March 25, 2018, 03:59:UTC)(
18 February 2008
LIMBO, Honolulu, Wednesday (UNN) — A 14-day-old baby who had been flown from American Samoa to Honolulu for heart surgery was detained by airport security and refused medical assistance, and later died from the delay.
"Our duty absolutely requires us to keep America safe from terrorist babies attempting to enter with apparently legitimate papers under the guise of needing medical care," said a spokesman for US Customs and Border Protection. "You never know!"
It should have been only 15 minutes to get the child to the hospital for the operation. But immigration officials detained the baby, his mother and his nurse, believing there was a problem with the mother's paperwork, which turned out to be completely in order.
The mother and nurse banged on the locked door begging for medical help as the baby was becoming distressed without his oxygen tank. "But we said they should calm down while we inspected their paperwork. And an oxygen tank? That's worse than letting liquids through!"
The family was refused a call to 911 and refused an ambulance "But we categorically reject assertions that we 'murdered' this child. Withholding medical care in these circumstances is negligent manslaughter at absolute worst, and probably not even that. We're Homeland Security! Look, I'll get the Attorney General on the line if you don't believe me."