UnNews:Homeland Security administration declares new "Gut Feeling" threat level
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Homeland Security administration declares new "Gut Feeling" threat level
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, August 30, 2015, 22:51:UTC)(
13 July 2007
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
UNN Washington DC -– Today the United States added an additional level to its colorful Homeland Security warning system when it declared that the nation's terrorist threat level was elevated to Gut Level and assigned to the color "Bile".
Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff stated that “after months of having a gut feeling that those Taliban people would do this nation harm and were organizing an attack on the United States, we have finally added the color Bile to the Homeland Security Advisory System to indicate those times when you just have a nagging feeling that something could be going on.”
Joining Chertoff in the announcement was President Bush, who added “Both Secretary Chertoff and I have had unverifiable feelings that the evildoers were out there doing something…something is eminent…and you know it's, well it's just something that you feel could be on the horizon, but something that we just can't get our hands around it."
According to Dutch Girl Paints, “Bile” is a yellowish-greenish-brownish color, on line with vomit, but a bit more sour. Dutch Girl spokeswoman Freida Peoples stated that “this is most definitely a color that one could associate with a nagging feeling in one's stomach.”
The color-coded advisory level was introduced some six years ago, following the attacks of September 11, 2007. Since then Americans have been quick to point out that while the upper register of colors makes a logical progression from Yellow to Orange to Red, it was the lower register from Yellow to Blue to Green that didn’t make sense.
As filmmaker Michael Moore pointed out in his movie Fahrenheit 9/11, Blue should have been selected as the base color instead of Green, because “even children in Kindergarten know that Blue and Yellow make Green, but no, not our moronic President Dick Cheney couldn't figure that one out.”
When told about the addition of Bile to the list, Moore stated that “this is just another subjective ruse that the administration is perpetuating on the American people. What color is next? ‘Nagging’”?
When asked, Ms. Peoples disclosed that “Nagging” was part of the company’s 1972 color palate, and was likened to a “pinkie-orange” color, similar to certain advanced skin infections.
- MSNBC "Chertoff remark on terror risk elicits pandamonium in hopes of raising Republican poll numbers". MSNBC, July 12, 2007
- KATHERINE SHRADER "Officials stave off summer terror attack by starting a panic attack instead". AP, July 10, 2007