UnNews:Homeland Security: Living anime characters a "significant" threat to public safety
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
22 February 2007
WASHINGTON DC (UnNews) -- The Department of Homeland Security released a statement Thursday calling living anime characters a "significant" threat to public safety, and urged new legislation to monitor and control the powerful beings.
DHS spokesperson, Lindsey Murning, referred to a recent report which indicated that as many as many as 20,000 human fatalities can be attributed annually to either direct attack from anime characters or as "collateral damage" resulting from two characters doing battle.
"Many of these characters are immature and emotionally unstable," said Murning. "Combine that with the ability to manipulate directed energy charges as blasts or beams, control elemental forces, or shape-shift into dangerous semi-mythical animals, and you're just asking for trouble."
The report indicated that in spite of the characters often giving long, repetitive speeches prior to engaging in combat, usually related to retrieving or controlling some powerful object or objects, human bystanders are often unprepared for the severity and scope of the battle, which can be as or more damaging than a natural disaster such as a tornado or hurricane.
Greg Watson, a witness to one such battle in November, 2006, between the half-dragon Gomanki, and the sword-weilding Kanukotsu, said, "They shouted insults at each other for nearly a half-hour before Gomanki unleashed what appeared to be some kind of plasma or lightning ball that flattened several acres of trees and set a half-dozen houses on fire. It didn't do anything at all to Kanukotsu. People were screaming and running around on fire, but the anime characters seemed completely oblivious to it."
Homeland Security advised that anime characters with potentially dangerous powers should be registered with the government, undergo training and instruction to ensure compliance with federal and local laws against assault and jeopardizing the general public, and provide proof of insurance against any damage they may cause.
"Sure, it's all fun and games and collector cards until someone's house is destroyed," said Murning.