UnNews:Holy Foreskin wholly foreskin?
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
4 July 2006
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
DULUTH, Pennsylvania -- Italian special police say they've broken the back of a gang of anarchist alchemists, Unione dei L'Alchimia Anarchici della Toscana (Tuscan Union of Anarchist Alchemists), whose goal is to create a potion which grants eternal life and to bring down the Catholic Church. A key ingredient of this alleged formula is,
The Holy Prepuce, along with stolen mercury, lead, and 72 dead echidnas, were recovered in a raid on the Tuscan Union's back-alley "laboratory" in Genoa. Calcata once housed the Prepuce in a reliquary, which was paraded through the streets of this Italian village as recently as 1983 on the Feast of the Circumcision...
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|
“which was formerly marked by the Catholic Church around the world on January 1 each year. The practice ended, however, when thieves stole the jewel-encrusted case, contents and all. Following this theft, it is unclear whether any of the purported Holy Prepuces still exist. In a 1997 television documentary for Channel 4, British journalist Miles Kington travelled to Italy in search of the Holy Foreskin, but was unable to find any remaining example.”
Unfortunately, the sealed box containing the Holy Prepuce was broken, and the relic suffered some degradation. Vatican scientists are currently examining it to determine if it is in fact made from a foreskin. Said Fr. Alfredo Leitmotif, chief physiologist for the Vatican's task force on relic authentication, "There are some materials which could make a fake foreskin. Our task is to determine whether this relic is authentic, fake, or a combiniation of both real forskin and some other material. As to whether it belonged to Christ, I cannot say."
Also recovered were the bones of the donkey on which Jesus rode into Jerusalem and the empty purse of Judas. Vatican sources say they are pleased to have these precious relics back in the arms of the church. In a press release, Pope Benedict thanked the entire Italian police force, all seven of them, for the safe return of Holy things, and gave each of them a free pass into Heaven after they go to confession..
- Charles Paisley, the Baby Crusher "Kirkegaard's Whippets". Salvation Army Cooking Series, June 30,2006