Hollywood whale watching popular pastime
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, October 4, 2015, 18:02:UTC)(
28 December 2006
No boats or ocean are needed for this popular pastime. “Just bring a couple of tabloids that trash celebrities or a few of those so-called celebrity magazines that feature all the hot gossip about your favorite or most-hated stars, as you prefer,” tour guide Alexandro Rey recommends.
As one might expect, in Hollywood, “whale watching” doesn’t have anything to do with marine mammals of the order Cetacea or any other finny denizens of the briny deeps.
The term whale, in this context, is a euphemism for “fat celebrity,” Rey explains. “You won’t see them in the ocean,” the tour guide added. “Look for them in places like Mort’s Delicatessen, Mani’s Bakery, Morton’s Spago, Crustacean, Dan Tana’s, Mr. Chow, Le Dome, The Ivy, Chinos on Main, Granita, Matteo’s, and Eurochow, feeding their fat faces.”
To qualify as a “whale,” a celebrity must meet the medical definition of the term, which, Dr. Benjamin Putty says, means, in layman’s terms, “having double chins, thunder thighs, a gluteus maximus maximus, and a waddle in one’s walk,” or, in medical terms, “he or she must be at least 20 percent over his or her ideal body weight, as calculated in kilograms divided by his or her height in meters, squared.”
Some celebrities who qualify as whales are well known, including Kirstie Alley, whose breasts each require a brassiere of its own; Kathy Bates, for whom Maidenform has designed a special, customized “belly bra”; Rosie O’Donnell, whose mouth is the only thing in the Western hemiphere that is larger than her gut; Queen Latifah, who starred and co-starred in the same movie; Tyne Daly, who lives in two ZIP codes; John Goodman, who starred as fellow fatty Roseanne’s tubby hubby; and Dan Ackroyd, whose stepmother is an alien.
However, the identities of some of Hollywood whales would surprise anyone who lived outside the boundaries of Tinsel Town and even some insiders.
Stars thought to be slender but who are really obese are known as “Underwater Whales.” Many employ body doubles in their movies and merely dub their characters’ voices.
Hollywood executives, agents, actors, crews, and others in the business have been sworn to secrecy as to who these Underwater Whales are, but Rey knows them, having seen them “feeding their faces” in many of the swankier hotspots in and around Los Angeles, and he has taken no vow of silence. However, he will divulge the secret identities of the Underwater Whales only for a fee.
For a fee of only $1,000 each, Uncyclopedia will reveal these closeted fatties’ identities to any interested person.
Just joking! The names are ALYSON HANNIGAN (female) and EDDIE MURPHY (male, allegedly).
Aren’t you glad you read Uncyclopedia’s Unnews? Don’t you wish everyone would?
Since Hollywood Whale Watching has become a popular sport, many celebrities, especially female, have opted to discontinue their fasting, grueling workouts, purging, and hurling. Anorexia and bulimia, it is believed, will soon plummet among stars as they eat like normal people.
Jennifer Love Hewiit, known for her svelte figure and large breasts, has decided to forego diets and exercise regimens in order to become the fat girl she’s always kept buried inside. “I want to eat,” she declared, “and I am going to eat.”