UnNews:Hollywood files for creative bankruptcy
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|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
18 December 2012
LOS ANGELES, California -- Yes, it has finally happened. Hollywood, the world-known movie producing belemoth, has officially filed for creative bankruptcy. Although the warning signs have been clear; the overused character types, endless car chases, novel adaptions, children's book adaptions, 80s movies remakes, and formulaic romance subplots, the news still comes as a shock to many Americans. This serious decision from the film industry big-boy has left many wondering what will happen next, and just how soon Hollywood can clamber out of the rut of unoriginality.
Hollywood spokesperson Alloson Morgoron stated today that the filing for creative bankruptcy was not a decision taken lightly, but in the end it simply had to be done. "We've really been trying to hold on for the past twenty or so years," said Morgoron, trying to appear firm and resolved but unable to hide a clearly quivering lower lip, "or maybe it's been longer than that...I don't know. We've always seemed to have had ups and downs in terms of creativity, but the past twelve years I think have really been so hard that there's no way to deal with it other than to take this action and clearly announce that we are in trouble and need a fresh start."
Hollywood researchers confirm that the originality of action films has fallen by 76% in the past few years, and obvious formulas in romances/romantic comedies are beginning to become simply unusable. As one veteran Holywood screenwriter put it a few weeks ago: "Even my normally vibrant sexual fantasies are now simply gone; all my creativity was drained way back with The Matrix. Oh man, what a great movie that was. It really was..." He then began to cry loudly, and had to excuse himself from the interview.
The bankruptcy statement is expected to bring new hope to the screenwriters and producers of Hollywood, who can finally stop churning out the usual garbage and have a chance to regroup without the world wondering why. "It really is a relief," director Michael Bay said today, smiling weakly. "It gives me the opportunity to let new creative juices form and stew around my massive brain, so that by next year I will assuredly have a brand-new Transfor... Oh, fuck! I mean, a brand-new movie idea. Yeah..."
Hollywood is expected to receive a large creativity stimulus package from a team of smaller independent artists by next year, and hopefully new blockbusters will be back in production by the spring. Much like the dawning of new life in that season, so will be the return of the wonderful, inspiring Hollywood we so love.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|