UnNews:Hollande caught cheating on mistress
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||We distort, you deride|
13 January 2014
PARIS, France -- France is on the brink of a new revolution, as President Francois Hollande has been caught sneaking out on his scooter to spend nights with actress Julie Gayet. The number-one Cheese Eating Surrrender Monkey was snapped visiting and staying the night with his new flame, whilst current mistress Valérie Trierweiler thought he was away visiting foreign hottie Angela Merkel.
The portly Hollande was seen riding around Paris on his scooter a few days ago. At the time, he said he wanted to 'mingle with his people,' but it seems he was keener to mingle with just one of them. Hollande's ex-wife Ségolène Royal — whom Hollande left to live with Trierweiller — had 'no comment,' nor could even stop laughing at how her ex-husband got caught out.
Journalists on the French magazine 'Zoom In Closer' got a tip that Hollande was disappearing at night and staked out the building where he was making regular visits. He would emerge the next day covered in croissant crumbs. Julie Gayet would arrive first and then, an hour later, Hollande turned up, disguised as a pizza delivery man or a motorbike courier, the president's large build hidden under a black leather suit and face masked by a motorbike helmet. However, one night he was seen arriving as a 'gorillagram' and would sing down the entry phone to get buzzed in.
'It was straight out of Inspector Clouseau,' said an anonymous source at the Elysee Palace, the official residence of the French President. 'It has been traditional for all our presidents to have a "bit of the other," as it is a stressful job. At least our man wasn't using interns and secretaries, as you do in London and Washington, or hitting the bottle or snorting cocaine. This at least shows President Hollande has a lot of style when it comes to playing away.'
Back home, Trierweiler moved out and spent a weekend in hospital. Hollande, for his part, says he sees nothing wrong and blames press intrusion for his embarrassment.