UnNews:Holiday Hawk maims several Scientologists
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Holiday Hawk maims several Scientologists
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, February 9, 2016, 02:04:UTC)(
3 December 2006
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The Holiday Hawk stays true to his word and attacks Scientologists
Several days ago, the Holiday Hawk came under heavy fire from Scientologists worldwide for his recent commercial in which he sings "Jingle Bells". This is against their religion, or something. Really, they are just getting ridiculous at this point. Earlier today, Hawk was seen leaving a room covered in blood. One particular witness, John Cena, looked into the room and saw several Scientologists, barely alive in a puddle of blood. Cena had this to say.
“Yo yo yo, fo' shizzle, I suck cock. Vote for Bush.”
When asked if he regrets his actions, Hawk said, "No. Those pot-headed kitten huffers got what they had coming to them. You don't scare me, Tom Cruise, you fucking pansy!" When asked about the incident, one of the Scientologists who was attacked had this to say: "May Hubbard have mercy on his Thetans." When asked what the fuck that meant, he was dumbfounded and left the building.
- Monkey Theresa "Hawk haunts, hacks Hubbards henchemen Of Hawks, Doves, and Demons". Renal Failure Weekly, December 3, 2006