UnNews:Holden Caulfeld on America's economic crisis and gay celebrities - What should we do?
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Holden Caulfeld on America's economic crisis and gay celebrities - What should we do?
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, July 1, 2015, 05:12:UTC)(
26 September 2008
COLUMBIA, South Carolina - Hello. How do you do today? I hope you are having a great day. I'm really sick, but you don't want to hear about my last sexcapade, do you? No... Okay, fine. I didn't want to tell you, anyway! I'll just tell you about all this economic and weather stuff that happened just before I got pretty run-down and had to come out here and take it easy. I mean that's all I told D.B. about, and he's my brother and all.
Where I want to start telling is the day John McCain suspended his presidential campaign. So, anyway, a couple of days ago this John McCain guy came on the news and said he was cancelling his campaign to go back to Washington D.C. to help iron out the whole economic crisis. You heard about that? Yeah, apparently a bunch of banks and a few insurance companies have gotten into extreme debt somehow. Nobody knows how it happened. The president says it's Bill Clinton's fault, but I don't know. Well, McCain went to the White House yesterday and all and talked to the president about how they were going to fix it. Apparently, the Congress had a plan worked out and all that stuff, but then McCain screwed it up with all his phoniness. I hate guys like that, all phony and stuff. They depress me, they really do.
Anyway, after McCain screwed it up and stuff, that Obama guy called up his friend Kyle to take his place in D.C. as a surrogate so he could go down to Mississippi and debate McCain, but McCain says he isn't going to the debate. I guess Obama is going to have to debate the Egyptians or Ralph Nader. I don't know much about the Egyptians, but that Nader guy is pretty nice. He always runs for the presidency but never wins cause he isn't phony. Maybe he'll win one day. Don't quote me on that, though.
So yeah, Obama has called up his friend Kyle to help with the talks and all. Kyle is a Jew, too. Jews know about money, apparently. Well, the thing is, though, Kyle will only come if it is raining. I don't know. I guess he's just weird like that. Lots of people don't want him to go to Washington, though. I don't get it.
Oh, and if you none of that stuff interests you, last night I was watching Leno. Well, not so much watching it, but I was flipping channels during a commercial break on Adult Swim. Anyway, when I flipped to it, I saw Jay yelling about being gay. Yeah, he said he was gay. Then, he pointed to his band leader and said he was gay, too. I'm just as surprised as you. First, Lindsay Lohan came out, then Clay Aiken, and now Jay Leno and his band leader. Next thing you know, Ellen or somebody else will come out of the closet! Oh come on now, Ellen is about as gay as George Michael or, um, George Takai, for Christssakes!
Anyway, this girl I know called me up right after I saw that, and we started talking about sex and stuff. It's hard to get sexy with a girl when you're talking about flits, you know? Well, she asked if I wanted to go to the movies. Something starring some alcoholic. Very big deal. I told her I was sick and all. God, I hate the movies. Nothing but a bunch of phonies.
Clearly, there is something going wrong in this country. What I think we should do is, we should use the $1 trillion dollars the government wants to use to bailout all of Wall Street to build a time machine. Think about it. If we had a time machine, then people from the future could fix all of our problems. They'd be able to stop global warming. You want to stop Al Gore from making movies, don't you? I hate the movies.