UnNews:Hobo receives $90 million tax refund
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Hobo receives $90 million tax refund
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, May 27, 2015, 14:40 (UTC)
10 March 2010
WATTS, Los Angeles – Vagabond Tyrone Lincoln, who claims to be a relative of former US President, Abraham Lincoln, visited the UnNews Office in Watts to inform us of the stunning news that he had received a refund from the IRS – a check made out to him for 90 million dollars.
Lincoln told UnNews that he had never filed taxes in his entire life, having been a hobo since birth, and he asked us to examine the check to see if it was genuine. Subsequent examination by UnNews staff confirmed the check to be real, and, indeed, payable to him.
According to Lincoln he has been residing near the Eastland Garbage Dump in Watts since the last three days. Prior to that he had been traveling around the country, flat broke, begging food in so many different slums that he had lost count – or was too drunk to remember. All of which makes it more amazing that he could receive the IRS refund check in the mail, post marked to his address in the Garbage Dump.
“Man! I donno! How could they owe me any money since I’ve never filed in my life? And how the Sam-hell did they know where I was stayin’ these last few days?” A clearly mystified Lincoln, told UnNews. “And ninety million dollars? It’s unbelievable! I mean, like, where do I get the money?”
UnNews advised Lincoln to go into a bank and open an account using his Social Security number, then deposit the check into that account. Then he could withdraw money simply using his signature. “But I don’t have a social security number. Really I don’t have any ID. And I don’t have a signature either, whatever that is!” Lincoln confirmed.
Finally an UnNews staff member took Lincoln to a Police Station opposite the beach to seek help. But as soon as the police officers saw Lincoln, they immediately arrested him for impersonating one, Tyrone Lincoln, a vagrant who actually received a check from the IRS for 90 million dollars in tax refund. As the police led Lincoln away UnNews actually felt sorry for the filthy rich bastard.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|