UnNews:Hit squad from the future fails to assassinate Suzanne Collins
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Hit squad from the future fails to assassinate Suzanne Collins
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, February 23, 2017, 05:19:UTC)(
23 May 2012
NEWTOWN, Conneticut -- A hit squad masquerading as garbage truck operators was arrested in Newtown this morning, after a traffic policeman, upon examining the truck, found a mysterious symbol engraved on it. Fearing a terrorist threat, he called the Conneticut P.D, which apprehended and arrested the truck drivers.
According to sources, the hitmen eventually broke down after hours of interrogation to reveal they were from the future, and had been sent to assassinate "The Prophet" before she sabotaged the establishment of the nation of Panem by publishing her "Prophecies." Needless to say, the officers promptly called up The Hunger Games author Suzanne Collins after hearing the word Panem, and the reaction of the hitmen upon seeing her-they reportedly attempted, in vain, to use some kind to telekinetic device to retrieve their confiscated weapons-confirmed that she was indeed the intended target. Upon realizing that she had already published The Hunger Games series of novels, the hitmen reportedly called each other names, and began whining about how "they were off by a mere 4 years, goddamit!"
Further incriminating evidence against them emerged when a hologram of a man calling himself "President Snow" abruptly appeared out of the confiscated weapons storage locker. Sources say President Snow shut down his holograph almost immediately after seeing the position the hit squad had landed itself in.
Police are now working on the chargesheet against the hit squad members. Sources say they are likely to be charged with "attempted murder", and "abuse of time-travel", among other things. In the meantime, the Secret Service has been assigned to provide a protective detail to Mrs Collins, in case "President Snow" sends another hit squad into the wrong time zone.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|