UnNews:Hinckley signs as new Subway pitch-man

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Hinckley signs as new Subway pitch-man

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17 August 2016

John Hinckley

The paunchy, greying Hinckley stands to benefit from Subway's healthy fare.

WILLIAMSBURG, Virginia -- John Hinckley stands to be the newest pitch-man for Subway sandwiches.

The man who tried to shoot Ronald Reagan was spotted by the Daily Mail outside a Subway store near here, carrying a sandwich and a drink. The 61-year-old former Presidential assailant was seen holding a Subway coupon, and presumably availed himself of the chain's new $6 package deal. His mother, Jo Ann Hinckley, waited in the car to return him and his dinner to the basement where he resides after being freed from Mount St. Elsewhere Psychiatric Hospital on August 5.

Authorities put no conditions on his release except that he have no contact with the Reagan family — which is unusually difficult, these days, in any case — nor with personal heart-throb Jodie Foster, whom he naturally thought he could impress by gunning down Reagan in 1981. Notably, authorities did not bar him from contact with fast food, despite the nation's new Let's Move campaign.

John Hinckley

Hinckley (left) in happier times.

Subway has been seeking a new pitch-man for its television advertising, after long-time impresario Jared Fogle turned his attention to paying for sex from minors and accumulating kiddie porn. Jared is now serving 15 years in federal prison, where reality-show cameras are usually not permitted, and is on the Sex Offender Registry. Happily, the United States has no lifetime registry of Presidential assassins, and Hinckley was found not guilty "by reason of insanity," also by reason of criminally bad aim, as his shots missed Reagan's heart entirely, and his only direct hits were a relatively anonymous policeman and a Secret Service agent, though one bullet struck Presidential aide James Brady, who would go on to lend his name to a national campaign to prevent a recurrence of the incident by permanently banning fast-food restaurants.

The elder Hinckley said that John was trying to return to normality and escape his former notoriety. She also hinted that he had a budding future in rap music.

The Daily Mail, based in London, spotted Hinckley's exit from the Subway shop using especially high-powered binoculars.

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