UnNews:Hillary upends campaign staff after NH loss
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Hillary upends campaign staff after NH loss
Truth doesn't "live here" — It's just camping out
Wednesday, March 21, 2018, 05:43:UTC)(
10 February 2016
Sanders beat Clinton in Tuesday's state primary election, 60-39. The self-described socialist from neighboring Vermont scored big with college students amassing six-figure debt to major in Gender Grievance Studies by promising them they could do so without amassing debt at all, because the money would come from Goldman Sachs.
But Sanders scored big in other demographic groups too, except women over 65, as Clinton makes them feel young. He even dominated groups too young to remember Castle Grande, Whitewater, the Bimbo eruptions, and the FBI files. Even the remarks of former ambassador Madeleine Albright could not save Clinton. Albright remarked that there was "a special place in Hell" for women who don't fall in lockstep behind a female candidate, just as they had obligingly fallen in lockstep behind her husband as he serially abused women. Muslims, by comparison, promise a special place in Heaven to get people to commit suicide for a hopeless political cause.
In response to the loss, the Clinton campaign put out a press release stressing the importance of — everywhere else. "Splitting the first two contests [was] an outcome we’ve long anticipated," said spokesman Robby Mook. He added that the candidate's shrieks about the inevitability of victory were just a smoke-screen to throw off the Sanders camp. "New Hampshire is largely rural/suburban and predominantly white," he observed, implying it would be easier to promise people free stuff as the campaign moved on to the dark side of the U.S.
Unfortunately, Mook's corpse was found, soon after the press release, neatly laid out beneath a tree in a Manchester public park after what the campaign called a suicide — an event reminiscent of the 1993 death of Vince Foster.
Manchester police tried to search the Clinton campaign hotel suite, but Clinton resisted just as fiercely as she had regarding the transcripts of the speeches for which Goldman Sachs had paid $225,000 to the Clinton Family Foundation — transcripts that will portray her as either embarrassingly pro-capitalist or embarrassingly pro-bribe. The candidate told Clinton she would only permit the police search if they searched Sanders too. "At some point, you know, these rules need to apply to everybody," she said. "And there are a bunch of folks, including, you know, my opponent. Let’s — if this is now going to be a new standard, then it should apply to everybody and then I’ll be happy to look into it further."
- Dave Solomon "Democrats: Clinton camp downplays loss to Sanders". Manchester, N.H. Union-Leader, February 9, 2016
- Chris Cillizza "Why Hillary Clinton won’t release transcripts of her paid Goldman Sachs speeches". Washington Post, February 5, 2016