UnNews:Hillary to State: Stop me before I reformat again
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Hillary to State: Stop me before I reformat again
Where man always bites dog
Wednesday, August 23, 2017, 23:28:UTC)(
20 May 2015
CEDAR FALLS, Iowa -- Hillary Clinton, the likable, inevitable Democratic Party nominee for President in 2016, urged the U.S. Department of State to speed the release of 55,000 emails to show her commitment to transparency and rejection of treachery.
"Out! Out! I want them all out!" said the candidate, though she might have meant the household servants of her hosts, who could make unflattering comments.
Computer experts say that releasing the emails would have been "a damned sight easier" if Hillary had not stored them all in the hayloft of the barn on her Chappaqua home, which served as the command center of the Department of State during her tenure. Failing that, it would still have been "moderately easy" if staffers had not deleted 30,000 others they deemed "personal" without reading them. State Department employees anxious to help Hillary achieve full disclosure must first pore over each email — which Hillary provided only on paper, many covered by lipstick and food stains — to see whether America's interests abroad might be compromised by disclosure. Those that do not harm America might remain secret.
Hillary's comments came after a judge ruled against a State Department plan to release the emails next January, right after the New Hampshire primary, at 5:01 p.m. on a Friday at the start of a three-day weekend. The judge instead ordered a "rolling production." This all but guarantees a slow drip of documents, strengthening the resemblance of the Hillary campaign to water torture.
The accelerated schedule is only the latest of the candidate's woes. In an Associated Press-GfK poll released earlier this month, when asked whether the word honest describes Hillary, six in ten voters burst into laughter, and two of them wet their pants. The ratio was higher among registered Republicans, who tend to be old and incontinent anyway. Voter perceptions that Hillary has something to hide are being fanned by Republicans — and not by Hillary going a month without taking any questions from journalists, and dodging issues her Democratic competitors are addressing.
The possibility that Republicans may use subliminal messages is another issue that continues to dog the candidate.
Since John Kerry took over for Hillary as Secretary of State, the official State Department email server is instead underneath the bilge tank on Kerry's yacht Isabel.
- Julie Pace and Lisa Lerer "Clinton urges State Department to speed release of emails". Associated Press, May 19, 2015