UnNews:Hillary throttles Scalia on way to White House
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Hillary throttles Scalia on way to White House
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, August 18, 2017, 19:45:UTC)(
15 February 2016
MARFA, Texas -- U.S. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia died at a ranch here. The Drudge Report stressed in red capitals that Justice Scalia died "with a pillow over his head" and all eyes turned to Democratic Party candidate Hillary Clinton as the agent of death. The nefarious end to the notorious right-wing judge fingers Ms. Clinton, whose career has been strewn with corpses, from Secretary Ron Brown to Ambassador Chris Stevens.
The Justice had been staying at the Cibolo Creek Creek Ranch [sic], according to owner John Poindexter. Justice Scalia was one of three dozen invitees to an event at the ranch that had nothing to do with law or politics and did not even involve discussions about which of several obvious routes America was about to select to usher in a calamitous end of the republic.
About 9 p.m., Justice Scalia announced, "it's been a long day and a long week, I want to get some sleep and probably meet my corporeal fate." The next morning at 8:30, when Mr. Poindexter tried to awaken the Justice, there was no answer — only a shrill female voice calling out that Mr. Poindexter should "move on" and not dwell on old news, before seeming to cackle. Mr. Poindexter obligingly left and went on an "outing" but, three hours later, returned to Justice Scalia's suite with a friend to nag him to get up. "We discovered the judge in bed, a pillow over his head," said Mr. Poindexter. "His bed clothes were unwrinkled," he added, an obvious reference to the impossibly neat presentation of Ms. Clinton's personal lawyer Vince Foster under a tree at Fort Marcy Park after his supposed "suicide."
Mr. Poindexter observed that Justice Scalia "did not have a pulse and his body was cold." After consulting with a doctor in Alpine and trying to raise anyone in the federal government on a weekend, Mr. Poindexter put two and two together and concluded that his guest was probably dead. At length, the Feds flew in by helicopter and told Mr. Poindexter to secure the ranch, "which I did until this morning," at which time he unsecured it to serve the remaining famished guests especially large portions of bacon and eggs.
Various chapters of the Tea Party movement and green ink brigades were left to debate whether Ms. Clinton had struck a pre-emptive blow against a future Clinton v. Trump case, to prevent Justice Scalia from ruling, as he did in 2000 in Bush v. Gore, to "get all these lawyers out of here and suck it up, you Democrats lost." Without Justice Scalia on the bench, the U.S. Supreme Court is deadlocked, 4-4, between Justices wrapped around Mr. Obama's little finger, and wobbly Republicans such as Chief Justice John Roberts looking for ways to surrender gracefully while warning that there might still be consequences to governmental "overreach."
Mick Jagger, Julia Roberts (no relation to the Chief Justice), and Tommy Lee Jones have also stayed at the Cibolo Creek Creek Ranch, but none of the three died there, an unlikely coincidence. Presidio County Judge Cinderela Guevara stated that no autopsy would be necessary. "This stuff happens all the time," she said, effectively sweeping the entire scandal under the rug.
President Obama vowed to nominate a replacement Justice, a nomination that would have to be confirmed by the U.S. Senate. On the campaign trail, Senator Ted Cruz vowed to derail the nomination until blue in the face, as he did against Obama-care, succeeding only in acquiring the reputation as the Senator that no other Republican likes. This would have propelled him to a certain Republican nomination, until Donald Trump emerged to fill the same bill even better. Meanwhile, John Kasich, who is not even in the Senate, declared his intention to vote against Senator Cruz no matter who the nominee is.
- John MacCormack "Cibolo Creek Ranch owner recalls Scalia’s last hours in Texas". San Antonio News, February 14, 2016
- Lucien Bruggeman, David Chiu, and Emily Shapiro "Judge Says No Autopsy Needed for Late Justice Scalia". ABC News, February 14, 2016