UnNews:Hillary sorry, nation set to Move On
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Hillary sorry, nation set to Move On
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, March 21, 2018, 15:21:UTC)(
9 September 2015
CHAPPAQUA, New York -- Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton told two of the three broadcast networks that, in retrospect, running the U.S. State Department from a non-secure private server in the loft of a barn on the Back Forty of her gentleman's farm here was a poor decision — perhaps even a "mistake" — and that she is "sorry" she did so.
The likeable and inevitable Democratic contender made the concession to ABC, the network that employs her husband's former Presidential Press Secretary to ask Republicans why it is they want to ban the Pill, and previously also acted humble on the NBC network, which paid her daughter $600,000 per year to pretend to be a journalist.
Hillary told ABC's David Muir that, in retrospect, she probably would have used government computers for official correspondence, and would have realized that memos that were not classified at the moment she wrote them would eventually become so, especially the ones planning America's strategy on foreign leaders and identifying its foreign spies.
While insisting that everything she did "was allowed" — excepting maybe paying State Department employees in cash from the Bill, Hillary, and Chelsea Clinton and Buddy and Monica Foundation to give the server periodic scrubbings — and possibly having aides delete thousands of emails that Congress had demanded under subpoena — she said she had been "as transparent as possible," providing the remaining emails not just on paper copies that someone had Xeroxed at the Chappaqua Kinko's, but having another unspecified aide put the PDF files on a thumbdrive.
Hillary's apology tour has omitted CBS, but the third network will surely break into its gavel-to-gavel coverage of Barack Obama basking in the glory of basketball champion Duke University if she elects to grovel there too. CNN and Univisión are booking prime time so that Hillary can act remorseful in foreign languages as well.
Bowing and scraping before a majority of the legacy broadcast networks means it is now time for the nation to Move On, a phrase invented when Hillary's husband used a powerless intern as a sex toy, destroyed evidence, and obstructed justice, and the opposition party hounded him because they are all just Sex Perverts.
Muir tossed Hillary what is known in the business as a "softball" on whether her campaign can survive the scandal. Hillary stated that it certainly can, as it is all the work of partisan enemies funded by "secret, unaccountable" Koch Brothers money, while hers is clean Saudi Arabian cash that is fully disclosed, or will be, the next time she is forced to amend her filings. She said that America is a nation of firsts, and the First Black President would surely be followed by the first President whom 53% of Americans believe is crooked. Before getting us into an endless war on false pretenses, that is.
- Liz Kreutz "Hillary Clinton on Private Email: ‘That Was a Mistake. I’m Sorry’". ABC News, September 8, 2015
- S.A. Miller "Hillary’s solemn vow: End ‘secret, unaccountable’ campaign cash that distorts elections". Washington Times, September 8, 2015