UnNews:Hillary may have declared her candidacy

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Hillary may have declared her candidacy

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12 April 2015

I-too-am-moist

The inspiring new candidate is perfect for a parched nation.

CHAPPAQUA, New York -- Hillary Clinton may have declared her candidacy for U.S. President at noon today.

She was to do so by posting a video to Facebook. Unfortunately, by 1 p.m., the video was gone, as the entire Facebook page had been deleted by campaign staffers, based on a keyword search, without reading the page. Moreover, the entire Facebook server had been wiped clean — and is missing, to boot. Moreover, the entire server farm in Menlo Park, California had been hit by a small tactical nuclear missile.

The TV networks had spent the morning speculating on what would be in the kick-off video, even though most of them knew exactly what would be in it, and retired CBS anchorman Dan Rather wrote it himself. He was set to come out of retirement to reprise his most famous line and say, "the statement from Hillary is false — but the point that it makes is compelling."

NBC's Today Show prepared to give Hillary the same treatment it gave Rand Paul last week, bombarding her with a litany — in her case, a dead cabinet secretary, a dead ambassador, and a dead personal lawyer — then asking her if she had "mellowed." It would be instructive to see if they could perturb this candidate — or whether she would simply mark the anchorwoman to get audited and then "rubbed out."

The National Organization for Women (NOW) believes that the former First Lady's announcement challenged the nation to "be ready for Hillary" — and accept Her as its personal Savior. However, Nicholas Cage was certain the announcement consisted simply of the statement, "I too am moist."

But whether the nation is as moist for her will only be known at the end of a grueling campaign against a series of Republicans, each of whom will develop gaping character flaws, from poor temperament, to raising excessive amounts of contributions, to a career-ending small bald spot. The nation, which was convinced in 2008 that "now is the time" for a black President, has only one more full year of National Economic Malaise before now becomes the time for a woman President.

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Hillary comes really clean

The Hillary campaign was outraged that the Facebook failure not only disrupted the normal operation of the campaign, but made it impossible to tell what Hillary actually wrote, as the candidate herself has already started claiming she doesn't remember, and that it must have been that same ol' bump on the noggin she took that made her miss her testimony to Congress. The campaign was preparing to sue Facebook over the outage. But Facebook chairman Mark Zuckerberg simply replied, "What difference — at this point — does it make?"

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