UnNews:Hillary comes really clean

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Hillary comes really clean

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11 March 2015

Nixon caricature

This artist's rendition shows Ms. Clinton telling reporters, "The American people have got to know that their President is not a crook!"

CHAPPAQUA, New York -- Hillary Clinton, eager to assure the American public that there is nothing untoward about running the Department of State from personal servers in the basement of her home here, has been embarrassed to find that there is an 18½-minute gap in the mag-tapes that are the only backup of these vital files.

The New York Times uncovered the astonishing news that when everyone, including President Obama, got email from the former Secretary of State, it did not come from state.gov but from ElephantThighs.xxx, raising the obvious risk that Congress could never examine the documents but Wikileaks could. During her four years as America's envoy abroad, no one gave this second thoughts, but it now threatens her status as the likely Democratic Party nominee for President in 2016.

After mere days of respectful patience for the story to die down and become Old News about which it is time for the nation to Move On, Ms. Clinton grabbed the bull by the horns and called a press conference. She did not charge anyone a $30,000 speaking fee and did not insist on a platter of crudités and bottled water.

After dealing out a full pack of 52 press cards, the daring Ms. Clinton opened the presser by giving the first crack to crack investigative reporter Kahraman Haliscelik of Turkish Television. He asked Ms. Clinton, "if you were a man today, would all this fuss be made?" Ms. Clinton graciously left it to others to portray her as a victim of white male hatred. She noted that she has never been a man, so all that fuss is put to rest.

She instead said that "privatizing" the Department of State was merely a convenience. Home servers let her do the nation's pressing business even while claiming to be recovering from a bump on the head during a trip to Peru to avoid House testimony. She said that the files contain mundane trivia that the nation does not need to bother with: Planning her daughter's wedding, reordering tampons from amazon.com, and moving corpses to public parks.


Ms. Clinton called for vigilance against the enemies of the Fatherland.

Ms. Clinton reminded reporters that she has always advocated openness, such as opening 800 FBI files on her opponents, just before Speaker Bob Livingston resigned in a sex scandal though Bill Clinton did not, to be replaced by the hapless Dennis Hastert, who led Republicans through years of bumbling before it was John Boehner's turn.

Did you know...
that Ms. Clinton's boss won his previous two offices when "court-sealed" records on his opponents' messy divorces suddenly turned up on Front Pages?

Ms. Clinton then announced she was turning over to the Department of State all relevant files, a total of either 30,000 or 55,000. This means she will not have to turn over the server itself so that the sandpaper marks on the hard disk can be studied. Mr. Boehner insisted that Ms. Clinton turn over not just the files she considers relevant but all the files she considers present — though quickly adding that it is nothing over which he would shut down the government.

Now comes the revelation that some of the files are missing entirely. Ms. Clinton called this a simple mishap of relying on the Roto-Rooter man to also back up the server. As a result, important files may be in e-Limbo along with the Lois Lerner files on using the IRS to hound the President's opponents and the Eric Holder files on gun-running in Mexico. Republicans hope that Rep. Paul Ryan will be able to read both sets on his next visit to the underworld and that the scandal will not detract from the Republican agenda: avoiding controversy, sneaking to re-election, and writing deep budget cuts, to be made by the Congress of 2024.

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