Hillary Clinton tells God to change His mind

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16 June 2015


What! God has an opinion that differs from Mine? Well, He is obviously wrong!

NEW YORK CITY -- Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, in a keynote speech to the 6th Women in the World Summit, told women in the world that God needs to change His mind, and quickly.

Catedral Metropolitana de Sao Paulo 1 Brasil

Avoid this place at all costs. Nothing ever came out of the heavens but misinformation.

The startling declaration followed from her earlier remarks that "deep-seated cultural codes, religious beliefs and structural biases have to be changed."

Many of these biases come from fundamental Judeo-Christian beliefs and ethics, which, according to Clinton, "might have been just fine for previous centuries, but times have changed and God needs a more modern point of view."

"Ring ring," Clinton joked, "Moses called. He wants Your commandments back."

Several professors at Notre Dame took issue with Clinton's remarks. Professors of religion said God has been around for a very long time, and has seen more worlds and civilizations come and go than Clinton has (even counting Libya and the Crimea). Law professors, meanwhile, said that using government to change people's religious beliefs would violate the separation of church and state; and social scientists noted the breakdown of families after decades of comparable policies.

However, polls reported that Americans discounted Notre Dame's academic opinions because of its several mediocre football seasons over the last decade.

Following Clinton's speech, several pro-choice activists took to the streets to rally in solidarity with their presidential candidate. During the assembly, they chanted for a transfer of parental rights to the government, taxpayer-funded abortions, and the death penalty for any who disagree. Their conservative adversaries purchased large quantities of guns and ammunition, while claiming it has nothing to do with Clinton's speech, and that they will be used mainly to shoot road signs.

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