Hillary Clinton: "I've got 35 years of experience fighting bears"

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25 March 2008

Washington, DC--As the Democratic presidential race heatens up and the candidates become more desperate to knock the other out, it came as no surprise over the weekend when Hillary Clinton asserted her own foreign policy experience during an address on Iraq.

"They're f***in' huge!"

"I've negotiated peace deals with dozens of countries," she claimed, to the skepticism of some listeners. "I've dodged sniper fire in Bosnia. And I've spent 35 years protecting our children from bears."

A curious silence filled the room as she finished. One brave reporter raised his hand, obviously remembering the stories of Clinton's reprimanding baby consumption when people piss her off.

"What does fighting bears have to do with Iraq and national security?" He asked timidly.

"Everything!" Clinton roared. "Bears are the biggest threat to national security! Have you ever seen a grizzly bear?" When no reporter answered, she yelled, "they're fuckin' HUGE! I mean huge like a friggin' mountain, man. And those claws!"

From there, the Senator from New York laid out a plan wherein the Iraq War would be utterly ignored and millions of dollars would be diverted to a Bear Defence fund.

More information when it becomes available.