UnNews:Hillary Clinton's dental care based on England's do-it-youself approach

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16 October 2007

Selfdentistry

”Plucky patient” Sedgewick Harold Lowbrow III shows Unnews the results of his go-it-alone dental care.

NEW YORK, NY - Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton announced that the dental care part of her proposed tax-supported, all-inclusive, mandatory national health care package is based upon England’s unique do-it-yourself approach to dentistry, in which patients extract their own teeth at home using a pair of pliers.

Due to government-imposed restrictions on the amount of fees that British dentists are allowed to charge for various services, there has been a sharp decline in the number of dentists in the United Kingdom since the nation nationalized its health care system. As a result, some citizens have resorted to extreme measures, including extracting their own teeth. Others use Super Glue to replace dental crowns that have become detached from their teeth due to inferior dental care on previous occasions.

Senator Clinton applauds the can-do attitude of the British citizens, citing them as “pioneer spirits” and “trailblazers” whose example has “inspired” her. “The British people, bless them, have led the way once more, showing the rest of us how to cut dental costs while retaining quality service. I have decided that, when I am president, the United States will follow the United Kingdom’s lead.”

However, England’s self-service dentistry has critics as well as supporters--or a supporter. (Clinton is actually the only one who supports the self-care approach.) According to detractors, such a system “has drastically reduced the quality of dental care that the average citizen receives and is potentially hazardous to the patients’ health.”

“Having oneself as one’s own dental patient is rather like having oneself as one’s own legal client,” Dee Minted told Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies. “You know what they say? One who serves as his own lawyer has a fool for a client.”

“I ain’t no fool,” Sedgewick Harold Lowbrow III said, as he inspected a set of pliers and screwdrivers at a local hardware shop in Brighton. Catching the eye of a clerk, he asked, “Which set of implements is best used for yanking me own teeth?”

The clerk recommended a pair of channelock tongue-and-groove pliers, which came with adjustable wrenches, snips, screwdrivers, adjustable sockets, and knives. “That’s out most popular set of dental instruments,” the clerk said. “Sold seventeen just this morning.”

“I’ll have me a set,” Lowbrow said.

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