Hillary "short-circuits"

Straight talk, from straight faces

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8 August 2016

Hillary conquers the stairs

A throng of great lawyer minds help Hillary across the finish line and into the White House, after the diagnostic console locked up and incessantly repeated, "Error, Please Retry."

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Hillary Clinton's brain "short-circuited" near the Capitol over the weekend.

Short-circuiting brains have been a problem well before the current era of warfare using drones, as it has always been a problem inducing Americans of sound mind to run for U.S. President. In 1968, George Romney (the father of Mitt Romney) saw his own Presidential campaign aborted after a trip to Vietnam in which he was "brainwashed." In 1972, George McGovern's running mate Thomas Eagleton had to bow out (in favor of old what's-his-name) when Eagleton's medical history revealed electroshock therapy. George W. Bush prevented malfunctions of his own bionic brain by keeping it constantly marinated with Lone Star beer.

The malfunction to Hillary's cyborg brain led her to use the term "truthful" when she meant merely that her lies to FBI investigators had been consistent. The networks swiftly debunked this bunk, leaving a vacuum that needs to be filled. "I may have short-circuited," Hillary said, "and for that, y'know, I will try to clarify," which would obviate an actual apology. Later, another short circuit induced her to bellow, "We are going to raise taxes on the middle class!” though analysis of the source code indicated she was supposed to say the exact opposite.

It is not clear whether the short-circuiting was caused by Hillary's notorious fainting spells, the incessant coughing fits, the blood clots, or the "bump on the noggin" she took in Peru that rendered her unavailable for questioning by Congress ever since. The Washington Post gave Hillary "four Pinocchios" for her FBI assertion — though husband Bill is the family's real connoisseur of Presidential wood.

In Windham, New Hampshire, Republican opponent Donald Trump pooh-poohed the pooh. "ISIS is dreaming of Hillary Clinton," Trump told a diner full of admirers. "They say this can't be happening to us. How great is this?" Trump's remarks were to move the debate beyond the previous week, in which he insulted a Muslim named Khan waving a copy of the U.S. Constitution who lost a son in the War in Iraq. "Yeah, the Jehovah's Witnesses came to my door to foist a booklet like that on me," Trump had said. "I slammed the door in their faces! Sad, too sad."

The Khan episode was itself a follow-on to the Republican Convention the previous week, which used a parent of a girl murdered by an illegal alien whom Democrats won't do anything about. It was when the battle of Dueling Martyrs reached a stalemate that the two parties turned to drone warfare. If additional drones short-circuit, the war may enter a new phase, a phase perhaps unlike any other.

Fortunately, there are only twelve short weeks more of this before Americans evaluate any actual policy debate that might occur and render their decision.

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