Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
Hill Republicans plan busy 2017

A newsstand that's brimming with issues

UnNews Logo Potato
Friday, July 20, 2018, 07:04:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

2 January 2017

Eddie Munster

This was how House Speaker Paul Ryan looked before he grew a goatee, which is the only way to tell him apart from John Boehner.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Vice President-elect Mike Pence told Congress to "buckle up" — because his boss, Donald Trump, is ready to pilot the SUV-of-State straight into the ditch.

The Republican Congress plans an aggressive legislative push, now no longer having a Democratic President to make them fail. Leader Mitch McConnell told his senators it will take special skill to fail now.

Lawmakers have been planning Trump's "first 100 days" as though they had not had all summer plus the preceding eight years to decide exactly what they wanted to do except that Obama would have vetoed it.

Their key task is "repealing Obama-care." They have been talking about doing this ever since Scott Brown became the key 40th senator to vote against it, and Democrats then passed it anyway. Republicans have held workshops since the election devising excuses why, now that they have studied it, repeal is "not that easy." Even Trump has been gotten to tweet about "repealing and replacing" the law, as though they could not protect you from being mugged on an evening in town without devising some replacement way to snatch your wallet before you got home.

An Obama-care replacement would keep covering abortions and sex change surgery, complicating the tax forms, and scaring businesses to move to Ireland — but it won't be Obama-care. Mitt Romney stepped forward after an autumn of calling Trump a phony, refusing to vote for him, and having a brief job interview to be his Secretary of State, to tell Republicans they could call the replacement Romney-care if they liked.

The most clever gambit of all is to have Congress pass a law repealing Obama-care — taking effect in 2019. The nation would have to vote for Congress again in 2018 and hope that it finished the "replacement" rather than undid the repeal. But Speaker Ryan said this would be the very last time that Republicans would ask voters to reward inaction with re-election.

Republicans are studying the United Kingdom, in which the Brexit vote is now being parlayed into something other than the exit from the European Union implied by the word "Yes," as though all those Brits came out merely to call on Parliament to set up another referendum.

Democrats, for their part, plan a road show focusing on the 20 million helped by Obama-care. The problem is that most of them have work to do, inside the bureaucracy — chiefly, audit Americans' taxes for not buying the right policy. The other fans of the law cannot be brought to Washington without setting up rooms for them in some nearby Sanctuary City.

Obama has signaled that he will not just go away, but will hang around Washington to make life hard for his successor. Democrats are also proposing other things for the Trump Administration to do instead — beginning with World War 3. This would punish Russia for cyber-crimes that denied Hillary Clinton her rightful place as President instead of Trump. Senator John McCain, a 'Sixties war hero, was seen drooling over this policy option — or perhaps merely drooling.

4 January 2017

UnNews Logo Potato
UnNews Senior Editors are currently arguing over the gender-neutrality of this related article:

Obama sanctions Russians

A previous UnNews was in error. We reported that Russian hackers induced John Podesta to change his Gmail password to cankles. It has come out that Podesta's actual password was: password. Wikileaks denies that its source was the Russians at all, and is certain the U.S. missiles can be diverted before they land. Of course, in the wake of this new Wikileaks disclosure, Podesta has had to change his password yet again. But if you are trying to break into his account, you might start with cankles. Or, password.

Sources Edit