UnNews:Higher Power denies responsibility for dead bride
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Higher Power denies responsibility for dead bride
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, May 1, 2016, 21:29:UTC)(
11 February 2008
DAVIE, Florida –- In tragic and certainly unfunny news, a newly-wedded wife is dead in Davie. However unlike most deceased newlyweds, the bride (Syrina Morcovino) collapsed in the arms of her beloved at their wedding reception, mid-dance.
Naturally, an APB was issued for God, stating that the deity was "not yet a suspect, but an entity that [Davie police] would certainly like to talk to."
But it definitely isn’t that simple. God has been blamed for literally millions of misdoings in the past, from minor inconvenience (like the car not starting or your wife sleeping with your fishing buddies) to major atrocities (like the birth of Hitler or the Atari Jaguar). However, being omnipotent and all-powerful, God has managed to evade, side-step, and generally finagle his way out of all charges levelled against him. Because of these grand and inexplicable abilities, some worship him, some curse his name, and some try to believe he’s a complete fabrication (but pray sometimes anyway, you know, just in case).
God has been making headlines for centuries with a number of successful career decisions. Starting off as a standup comic at the dawn of creation, God steadily moved up the ranks, eventually creating all life on this planet and beginning the bountifully prosperous Higher Power, Inc. Originally designed as a charity to feed starving children, Higher Power, Inc. became associated with Christianity sometime around 30 B.C., and has since restructured its mission statement. Headlines were also made when internet prankster Friedrich Nietzsche began spreading the rumor that God had died via the bastion of factual knowledge known as Wikipedia.
Upon learning of the tragic passing of Ms. Morcovino, representatives of Higher Power, Inc. (a company of which God is still acting CEO) issued the following statement, relayed to UnNews by CFO St. Howard Calford:
|“|| God is sincerely saddened and distraught by the unfortunate passing of Ms. Morcovino. We assure her family that she is currently waiting to be processed here in heaven’s mass sorting and filing facility, and shall be judged promptly sometime between now and the armageddon (we’re trying to update our software at some point before then, as we’re expecting a bit of a rush during that window of time).
And lo, the Lord did sayuth:
Verily my children, unto you I say seriously, it wasn’t my fault this time. Her death and her wedding just happened to overlap: schedule error damn it! Nobody's fault! Now, thou must excuseth thy majesty, as I must return to snorting angel dust and playing table tennis. PEACE BITCHES!
Thank you, and on behalf of Higher Power, Inc., please don’t attempt to sue us.
Though no suits have been filed on behalf of the deceased bride, a vast number of petitions have been waged against the lord via the medium of prayer. This method has been systematically proven ineffective, most notably by theologian Jim Morrison. According to his groundbreaking report entitled Soft Parade: "YOU CANNOT PETITION THE LORD WITH PRAYER!"
Uncyclopedia continues to petition regardless.