UnNews:High school distributes marijuana to its students
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High school distributes marijuana to its students
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, January 20, 2017, 01:46:UTC)(
11 March 2007
Santa María Juana de Cannabís, California - Faced with declining enrollments, high attrition, and violent outbursts among its student body, California’s Mary Jane High School has taken the unusual measure of distributing free marijuana to students with perfect attendance and exemplary behavior.
“Looking at it from the kids’ point of view, where’s the incentive to attend school? They’re interested in sex, drugs, and rock and roll, not reading, writing, and arithmetic,” Principal Hal Palmer told Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies. “We’re already distributing free condoms on demand, and students are allowed to listen to music during boring lectures as long as they wear earphones. All that’s left to motivate tomorrow’s leaders today is free pot. We think the exchange--joints for school attendance--makes sense.”
“Now that I can get high by going to high school, I never miss a day,” Jason Blather, a sophomore at the school said. “School’s fun for the first time ever.” Blather said his grade average “is somewhere between 1.5 and 2.0, which is to say, somewhere between a 'D' and an 'F.' My parents don’t care, as long as I’m doing my best,” he said. “They’re cool.”
To smoke the marijuana legally, students are supposed to have a medical marijuana card on file at school, in the nurse’s office, “but that old bitch, Ms. Hawkins, never checks,” Blather admitted. “Anyone who wants a joint gets a joint.” Another area of controversy centers on the fact that Mary Jane High School, like the secondary schools in California’s Grossmont School District, where the practice of allowing students to smoke pot in school began, allows students to visit doctors’ offices during school hours without first notifying their parents, just as girls may abort their babies during the school day and return home in the afternoon without their parents’ knowledge of or consent to their grandchild’s infanticide. Although the marijuana is supposed to be prescribed only for medical conditions, physicians prescribe the drug for any reason, and its recreational use has become rampant on high school campuses, with schools encouraging its use among students who have perfect attendance free from behavioral problems. Other students are expelled on some pretext or another to prevent their smoking prescribed pot on school grounds.
Critics also contend that it is too easy for students to obtain the required card from the myriad of corrupt physicians who live in and around San Diego. “Besides, the focus should be on sobriety, not intoxication,” Mrs. Toni Blather, Jason’s mother, contended. “I’m not sending my son to school to smoke pot. He’s supposed to be getting an education.”
Despite the controversy, highs school districts throughout southern California and around the nation are considering similar policies which would permit certain students to smoke pot on campus, whenever they like. “Ritalin and Prozac may become drugs of the past,” Palmer said, “now that we have added marijuana to our chemical arsenals.”
Reports agree that attendance, retention, and good behavior are up, but that academic performance has reached an all-time low at Mary Jane High School and the schools in the Grossmont High School District in which students are also allowed to get high on pot rather than on education.