UnNews:High court orders woman to "get a sense of humor"
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High court orders woman to "get a sense of humor"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 25, 2015, 18:20 (UTC)
30 July 2007
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OLYMPIA, Washington, USA -- Dental hygienist Larry Bendavid has long been known for his zany office antics. His cans of silly string, water-squirting flowers and inappropriate touches at the company picnic have all become staples of his relaxed, sociable working environment. "I like to make the patients feel as if we're friends, so I play little jokes here and there" says Dr. Bendavid. "So you wake up from a cavity filling with a ball sack drawn on your face with a magic marker. So what! Isn't that what friends do?!" Dr. Bendavid pauses to adjust his oversized clown shoes.
Unfortunately for the good doctor, not everyone in Olympia agrees with his Patch Adams-style of dental care. Actually, that statement is false: everyone in Olympia agrees with Dr. Bendavid's Patch Adams-style of dental care except for one remarkably drab Washington woman named Elsie Dunhurst. Ms. Dunhurst, an assistant to Dr. Bendavid, did not take kindly to his typical chili-powder chewing gum. Or his regular practice of throwing firecrackers into the woman's restroom while the one-toilet bathroom was occupied. But the real straw that broke Ms. Dunhurst's camel-like back occurred in April of this year, when Dr. Bendavid surgically replaced her teeth with the tusks of a walrus. Lisping her words terribly, Ms. Dunhurst filed suit.
However, the arduously long trial came to a closing today as the state's high court handed down a landmark decision in Dr. Bendavid's favor. Judge Harry Sloane read his prevailing opinion aloud to Ms. Dunhurst (who had since removed her walrus tusks):
|We, the panel of the highest court in the state of Washington, do so find the plaintiff, Elsie Dunhurst, to be a humorless killjoy, devoid of the capacity for laughter, the comprehension of comedy, or the ability to conceivably function in an atmosphere of levity. As such, this court orders the plaintiff to get a fucking sense of humor and stop bringing frivolous lawsuits before this assembly. As part of our ruling, the court decrees that the plaintiff shall attend no less than three (3) stand up comedy acts (preferably the performances of Chris Rock, Dave Attell, or Jim Norton), and shall be made to view at least 3 hours worth of quality comedic cinema (to be approved by Judge Robert Abrahms, a foremost authority on comedy in film). We feel that this ruling will help Ms. Dunhurst realize the comedic spirit which dwells in the heart of all people great and small.|
Upon the ruling's announcement, Dr. Bendavid made one final statement to the court. "I'm extremely pleased with this ruling, and thank the court for their understanding in this matter. Seriously, if I'd known what a frigid bitch she was I really wouldn't have hired her. I invite everyone on the panel to my office for free dental exams and some delicious homemade chocolate mousse. Don't worry, it wont explode."
Dr. Bendavid's chocolate mousse party is scheduled for next Thursday.
- Handmedown Jones "Olympia dental hygienist commended for exemplary work in practical joking". SF Gate, July 28, 2007