UnNews:High-speed train crash "not disasterous enough"
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High-speed train crash "not disasterous enough"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, May 24, 2017, 19:46:UTC)(
29 April 2008
BOCKBLASENDORF, Germany - The driver of a high-speed train in Germany is being questioned on charges of failing to create enough death and destruction in an incident involving a herd of sheep in a tunnel, as well as being a total wimp and applying the emergency brakes.
“It beggers belief that after all the money we pumped into developing these fucking quick trains that fucking pussy of a train driver was only able to lightly scratch two sheep. He should have at least mashed the fucking lot into a bloody guts, gore and woolly pulp!”, complained the blood-thirsty Deutsche Bahn managing director Hartmut Kochring. “Why the fuck did the driver put on the cunting emergency brakes when there’s an animal on the track? He should have gone full speed ahead – the trains look better with a fresh coat of blood-red paint with the odd bit of sheep entrails trailing from it.”
The passengers on board also were critical of the spineless pustule at the helm of the 180 mph Intercity Express Trains. One passenger Jürgen Bisonschänder whinged, “We paid good money for this trip, so it ought to at least have some excitement now and then to keep us entertained. A massive high-speed derailment would have been perfect, but now ‘cos that cunt pulled the emergency brakes I’ve got nothing to tell my grandchildren in 30 years time. We wanted an Eschede disaster and instead we’ve got a couple of bruised sheep! Just fuckin' typical!”
The owner of the herd of sheep, Fritz von Huhnverwaltiger, has been commiserated after his heroic efforts to enliven the often dreary journey from Fulda to Würzburg. "Oi did me best oi'm tellin' yers. If it wont for that bastarding safety conscious so-and-so droivin' the farkin' fing oi'd have been a roit ol' hero, oi'm tellin yers!" he told the German television programme Zugunfall des Tages (Train Accident of the Day). "They've all got AIDS and wotnot aafter me filthy diseased half-cousin Elijah had a bit of a go on half the ewes when oi wont lookin', so I wouldn't 'av been too besaddened to see the fuckers go."
The German government are being pressed into action to make train trips in the federal republic more ‘interesting’ and ‘exciting’. Chancellor Angela Merkel personally pledged to leave debris lying (possibly tying rivals within her CDU party to the tracks) on the track near her local high-speed line whilst Kurt Beck, leader of the rival SPD party, promised to block up a tunnel picked at random with his morbidly obese backside as well as sneakily getting saboteurs to loosen bolts at random on each train, “just to see what happens”.
- Stefan Kuntz "Something in a funny language spoken by evil people in war films". zoomer.de, April 29, 2008
- some yank "Deutsche Bahn closes route following high-speed train accident wasn't catastrophic enough". Forbes, April 27, 2008,