UnNews:Hezbollah launches missile attack on Nazareth; Jesus suffers minor injuries
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Hezbollah launches missile attack on Nazareth; Jesus suffers minor injuries
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, August 4, 2015, 03:26:UTC)(
19 July 2006
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JERUSALEM, ISRAEL: Hezbollah guerillas rained thousands and thousands of Katyusha short-range missiles on the sleepy hamlet of Nazareth for the first time early this morning, in brutal reprisal for Israeli forces wiping them off the face of the Earth in southern Lebanon. The only reported causualty, other than several Arabian camels, was the Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.
Jesus, who was on a nostalgic visit to his old home town of Nazareth at the time, was reportedly injured when He accidentally tripped headlong into a large freshly-smoking crater. He was immediately rushed by ambulance to Jerusalem's Beth Omega emergency room, where He successfully treated Himself for non-life-threatening cuts and abrasions, and was released by Israeli doctors around noontime.
The visibly shaken Lord, who until now has not taken sides on the Israeli-Hezbollah conflict, had little to say concerning His inadvertently getting caught in the violent crossfire. Meanwhile, the Evangelical Christian Community at large (ECC) has responded with severe condemnation of what they called a deliberate attack on the Holy Person of their Saviour and called for the immediate nuclear annihilation of Lebanon, Syria, Iran, the Gaza strip, and the remainder of the entire Islamic world, except for Saudi Arabia's precious oil fields.
"Really, this is no big deal," said Jesus, when interviewed by UnNews reporters this afternoon. "It's My own fault, actually, since I haven't been keeping up with the news reports lately, and I wasn't watching My step at the time." Jesus then expressed His unconditional forgiveness to the Lebanese terrorist organization for their violent assault on His childhood home and admonished them to refrain from sinning again. Jesus also said that He intends to return to Nazareth as soon as convenient to survey damages to the local infrastructure, and possibly offer His limited carpentry skills to aid reconstruction efforts during the remainder of His scheduled vacation.
When pressed with urgent questions concerning whether or not He supports Israel's recently implemented "kill and destroy everybody that moves" foreign policy, Jesus glanced down at His sandals and, after a brief pause, said, "M'eh."
- MSNBC: Hezbollah missiles hit Nazareth 19 July 2006