UnNews:Hezbollah bombs UnNews HQ
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Hezbollah bombs UnNews HQ
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, March 23, 2018, 21:27:UTC)(
1 January 2010
BEIRUT, California -- Two stinky socks planted in a car exploded south of Beirut, California in the underground parking garage of UnNews' California Headquarters on Friday, killing 1 person and wounding several pocket monkeys in an attack that apparently targeted an official of the UnNews militant group "UnArmy", the state run news agency said.
The official national press agency called "The Official National Press Agency" said the explosion was caused by 'two stinky socks laying next to the vehicles petrol tank & tail light electrical assembly" and that "one spark was all it took and kaboom!, all is lost." They were believed to have been placed there by an Hezbollah Operative as nearby there was a man who identified himself as "a Hezbollah Operative" and when on to further state; "Did you see THAT?! That was COOL! I did that! Those socks, they were MINE!". Federal Bureau of Investigations, Scotland Yard, and The Citizen's Auxiliary Police have yet however, to confirm if the man was in fact the perpetrator.
When the Special Armed Unit of the UnArmy approached the compound the suspected Taliban commander, armed only with grenades, dirty socks, and a bottle of Peppermint Schnapps, ran into a nearby laundromat. UnNews security forces quickly put down their ]]sandwich |sandwiches]], surrounded the laundromat in the Kent District, and called for him to surrender, or at the very least come out and play soccer with them as they were short a few lineman & a goalie. When he didn't, in a fit of pique they went in, ticked.
"The Taliban Commander opened up with a slap to the face of the UnNews Lieutenant who responded in favor with a slap himself. Both were then immediately killed in the ensuing gun battle" stated Rear Admiral Phil Hendrie, North Atlantic UnArmy Chief Cook & Bottle Washer. He added; "I like women's rears, hence the title."
NATO says Taliban ne'er-do-wells frequently seek protection in laundromats, but the Afghan International force says it does the least it can do to avoid fighting in or around any known laundromat as "there's nothing like a good shootout in a laundromat to get the ol' blood pumping!".
Bobbi Dooley, acting police commander of the California Water District Homeowner's Association, siad the shooting occurred in the laundromat area closest to the dryers and not the large multi-load washers. Why she had to point that out no one has the foggiest idea.
Adam Bein, WikiNews Staff Journalist