UnNews:Hey America! Fuck you, too!
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|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
23 September 2008
Your country is in the shit hole, while Europe's economy is flourishing! Oh, what? You didn't know? Yeah, your fucking economy is in the tank. Or were you too entranced in some slut's glasses? Your country sucks. You actually think it's a big deal some black guy could become your fucking president! Whoopee-fucking-doo! Oh, now you're laughing. Just because I said "doo"! Childish! Quit thinking about your goddamn arseholes, you stupid Americans! And yeah, it's "arsehole", not "asshole". You dumb Americans can't even spell correctly! "Oh! Look at us! We're rebelling from Britain by misspelling words!" Shit! You all are fucking morons!
And look at who is running your country. A fucking retard. And you elected it knowing damn well he was an idiot! Hey, at least when we elect an idiot, we don't re-elect them! Or, they don't become stupid until AFTER they become our leader! Goddamn! Hell, you can't even play rugby! You think it's call "football" or whatever. Fucking idiots. I swear. What is it like to only get 17 miles to the gallon? And who the fuck uses OUR old English system, anyway? Get with the fucking times, America! Even Myanmar uses the Metric system now. Talk about slow. You're the only goddamn ones still running the race. Even Myanmar has beaten you. Fuck! Canada beat you thirty odd years ago! Canada!
Oh, and let's talk about the shit you call music. Hannah Montana? Jonas Brothers? Lil Wayne? God-fucking-damn! Your favourite "music" is complete shit. Yeah, we may have to live with James Blunt and a couple of other potheads, along with some chavs! But, shit! We have those Finnish cellists. You know, Apocalyptica? You don't? Sucks for you. They can rock harder on acoustic cellos than your best fucking rockers on electric guitars! Ha! Your music sucks! Oh, and we had The Beatles first. The greatest band of all-time, from Britain. Quit crying, you pussies, just because you now realize how badly your country sucks. Speaking of country, it's called a violin. Not a fiddle, you fucking retards!
And look at your "hot" celebrities. Jessica Alba, Paris Hilton, and Paris's friend?!? All flat chested crack heads! Well, maybe not Jessica Alba... She is hot. But, my point is we have Keeley Hazell and Kate Price. They may be sluts, but at least they aren't flat chested. This proves we are better. We have better looking women. Oh, and eighty percent of Austrian chicks enjoy sucking dick. That's why we rule.
Who the hell cares about golf, anyway? Wow! You won the fucking Ryder Cup! Who the hell cares?!? No one actually watches golf anyway! I only change it to it when I'm fucking tired and can't get to sleep! Tiger what? What kind of moron would name his kid after an animal? What? There's actually a Golf Channel in America. Wow... Fucking idiots!
Goddamn. America, please just go and kill yourselves. The world will be much better off if you did.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|