This column is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-eyeblink misinformation. And by "misinformation", we mean "the truth."
4 February 2009
AMERICA, the greatest place on earth - Yeah, apparently he's been dead for a few months now! Who knew? That's what you get for quitting South Park, dude. First they take away your paycheck, then they send the rabid monkeys they keep hidden in storage after you. You should have seen it coming, you're a scientologist, you crack pots think everything is out to get you, right? Maybe that's the schizophreniacs.
Anyway, as I was saying, that guy on South Park is dead. Its weird, he's been dead for a few months now, but I have seen him on South Park recently. How can a dead guy be on TV still? I thought it was illegal. Its like the 24th amendment, isn't it? I think that was what we learned in school. But this guy was a Scientology, so that probably gives him some mystical Xenu powers, allowing him to stay on TV even though the USA says he can't. Stupid religion. Religion should be hated and beaten. Thats what I think.
But anyway, this guy was super awesome and sung about sex and intercourse, and fucking the butt. I like that one, when its a chick. Its totally not awesome when its a dude, thats gay and gays should be killed. I think that should be the next new amendment to the US Constitution. So this guy, Chef, he was awesome, despite the whole Scientology thing, Scientology is bad. Death to L. Ron Hubbard! Long live Jesus! Speaking of awesome people, Jesus is awesome, but L. Ron Hubbard isn't. However because this guy, Chef is so insanely awesome, it balances out his scientological part and still has awesomeness to spare. Its a scientific formula, look it up if you don't know what I mean.
So this guy, Chef, he was pretty awesome. I aspire to be awesome like him someday. Just not the whole Scientology part. As I have already said Scientology is bad, and should be hated, just like religion, because it is a religion, and religion is bad, just like L. Ron Hubbard, who is very bad because he created Scientology. However Jesus is not bad. Jesus is good, and should be loved. You know who the opposite of Jesus is? Richard Dawkins. He's bad too, but Chef isn't.
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I think that if Chef was still alive, he would renounce his scientological ways to be awesome with Jesus. Jesus and hotdogs. That way Chef would be overflowing with awesomeness, and could bathe his fans in it on a daily basis. It would be even better if Chef was fused together with Jesus, and a hotdog. That would be the coolest thing ever created by the glorious god. He would spread his ideas of Christianity while solving world hunger at the same time. All hail the Jesus-Chef-Hotdog!
I guess this whole thing was just a round-about way of saying that I could really go for a hotdog right now. A good, old fashion American hotdog, which is good. Just like Jesus. And butt-fucking chicks.