UnNews:Heterosexuality declared "a vile abomination and unnatural sexual preference according to scripture and now according to scientists. Kekekeke!"
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Heterosexuality declared "a vile abomination and unnatural sexual preference according to scripture and now according to scientists. Kekekeke!"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 22, 2015, 09:22 (UTC)
14 July 2009
"We know that percentages don't determine naturalness. What determines naturalness is whether it's natural or not. Clearly this is unnatural," stated Fred Phelps, pastor of the respected Westboro Baptist Church of Kansas. "Upon further inspection of the scripture after news of this scientific discovery from an unbiased college, I consider heterosexuality a vile abomination and unnatural sexual preference according to scripture and now according to scientists. Kekekeke!" The pastor quickly filed for a divorce from his "sodomite wife!" of several decades.
Jeff Mence of the university spoke with the 700 Club today about the surprising finding. "Well, things that are natural are genetic and instinctive," declared Mence. "There was no evidence found to support the idea that heterosexuality is genetic or instinctive. This study was in no way compromised by my religious prejudice against heterosexuality."
Fred Phelps elaborated more about his new interpretation of scripture in face of scientific evidence. "In Genesis where it says, 'So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply', I believe that he told them to grow oranges and pears and multiply, like two times six is eight."
Mohammad Ak-Abajar, a local mosque imam, expressed his views over the new discovery. "Nowhere in the Quran nor the Hadith does it say that heterosexuality is acceptable. Therefore, we must destroy it. The prophet would not approve. Look at what heterosexuality has done to China. The overpopulation there is crazy! Fuckin' breeders!"
The secular scientific community has rejected the study in its few peer reviews. It has since been stated that heterosexuality is as natural or unnatural as homosexuality, pansexuality, bisexuality, transexuality, omnisexuality, trisexuality, tetrasexuality, septasexuality, asexuality, and bestiality, all of which have no known genes that would predetermine them. As to what environmental factors or hormones might play a role are unknown as well. The likelihood of being turned "gay" is even more unlikely according to recent studies which claim that heterosexuality is not the default preference. One such study is Stanford University's, "Baby Carrots Tried to Turn me Gay" of just last year. A recent article published in Time Magazine, "Mini Corndogs Made Me Gay" addressed the environmental pressures that some think might gayify somebody. In an included survey that was completely unrelated to the article, 77% of gay men claimed that Tom Cruise's underwear dance scene in Risky Business was "sexy", while only one person surveyed said that they would take him home to their two dads as nobody else reportedly had two dads. That person, who asked to be a coward under the veil of anonymity, is Olipro.
Heterosexual supporters were quick to retaliate to criticisms and religious banishment. "We are part of nature, plus, animals do it all the time. Like dolphins. They do hetero things," uttered Sandra Ueker, a life-long heterosexual. "I was definitely born this way." Fred Phelps responded to such arguments, saying, "God said he created man and woman in his image. God clearly does not fornicate or indulge in heterosexual relationships." When asked about Jesus' emphasis on the family, Phelps replied, "That's discrimination. There are gay families, you know."