UnNews:Hermine outpolls Clinton and Trump

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
Hermine outpolls Clinton and Trump

Straight talk, from straight faces

UnNews Logo Potato
Tuesday, August 22, 2017, 09:41:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

3 September 2016

Hermine

Hurricane Hermine shown with blood coming out of its...wherever.

ORLANDO, Florida -- Despite causing millions of dollars of destruction and leaving hundreds of thousands of people without power, Hurricane Hermine rated higher than both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton in the latest NBC News poll. Hermine even tied Trump and Clinton in the latest poll from Florida, where Hermine had its biggest impact.

UnNews visited several hurricane-devastated communities in an attempt to shove a microphone in the faces of victims who have lost everything and ask them how they feel.

"Yes, Hermine destroyed my house, displaced my family, and dropped a tree on my dog, but I would definitely vote for it over Trump and Clinton," said one hurricane victim. "I feel like it would really shake up the White House."

Public Utilities chief David Cash echoed the sentiment. "I'd rather have four years of 60 mile-per-hour winds and flash flooding than four years of Hillary or Trump," he said.

Meteorologist Ari Sarsalari indirectly referenced November 8: "The whole Big Bend is in for a brutal night." Kevin Roth of The Weather Channel agreed: "It could be a very lousy weekend for a large part of the population."

The interviews suggest that Hermine's better-than-expected polling comes less from its popularity and more from Clinton's and Trump's unpopularity. Last week, Clinton made an impression on 56 percent of Americans, unfortunately not for the better. Her previous high-water mark had been 55 percent, registered in June just after shooting Buddy the family dog and moving his corpse to a public park after he dug up potentially embarrassing materials that had been buried in the yard at Chappaqua. Fortunately for Clinton, this is still below the proportion of Americans who react to Trump in the "I'd rather eat dirt" category.

Similar conclusions were drawn from a poll last month that showed that either Clinton or Trump would also lose the entire Electoral College to the Zika virus.

edit Sources

Personal tools
projects