UnNews:Helen Keller arrested for public indecency
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Helen Keller arrested for public indecency
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, September 3, 2015, 08:58:UTC)(
24 May 2007
(UNN-Birmingham) Law enforcement officials in Birmingham Alabama have confirmed that they have confirmed that Helen Keller, the internationally known icon of triumph over adversity is current being held under violation of the cities public indecency laws for masturbating in an adult movie theatre.
Keller is accused of masturbating with one hand while moaning with the other.
Keller, age 127, was thought to be long dead; however an interpreter provided by the Alabama Department of Human Services confirmed that the woman under arrest is noted humanitarian, best known for her spellbinding speeches on the art finger articulation.
According to police documents, Miss Keller was found sitting in the middle of the Hot Bods Adult Art Cinema doing the diddly to herself. “She drew attention to herself by wildly waving her extended arm and moving her hand in obscene sign language gestures. Several of our customers complained about the activity, including her load guttural sounds and panting, because it blocked their view of our current feature film Your Ass in the Park, and interfered with the on screen interaction between actors Ram Hardin and Honey Pi,” reported John Smith, Manager of the theatre.
In a statement released through her court appointed mouth piece, Public Defender Susan Dietrickson, Keller maintains her innocence. “I was under the impression that I had entered a theatre that was playing sing-a-long version of Frankenstein. I was simply enjoying the movie and the camaraderie of the event.”
Keller was last heard from in 1967 when she was injured answering her iron on two occassions, seriously burning one side of her face in one incident, and then the other side the next day. When asked then how the second injury occured, Keller explained that the party "called back".
- Ken Chapmen "Helen Keller caught driving car with one hand while feeling the road with the other.". New York Daily News, May 24, 2007