UnNews:Heavens rejoice as Dow surpasses 14,000
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Heavens rejoice as Dow surpasses 14,000
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, January 22, 2017, 16:37:UTC)(
2 October 2007
NEW YORK, New York -- Praise be thee, New York Stock Exchange, as your Holy Dow Jones Industrial Average surpasseth the 14,000 mark, raising its glory to God, Almighty, and bringing to all of Earth peace and happiness unbounded! Verily, as thy average hath risen, much as the Son of Man, Jesus Christ, from his death, so has abundance and prosperity in the land increased 14 thousand-fold.
Sayeth wise sages who foretold of such a glorious happening, "The attainment of such a goal is a pure sign of God's mercy and love. As his Son calmed the waters of Galilee, so hath this miracle calmed the fears of a sluggish economy resulting from increased foreclosures and inflation."
The dark whisperings of Satan of stagnation and retrenchment in the housing market had recently brought fear of a famine and pestilence to the land, particularly among those with variable rate mortgages. Minions of evil forced many companies to lower their fourth quarter estimates, as they prepared for tumult and tribulation created by the falling value of the Almighty Dollar in overseas markets.
But, lo, the forces of darkness have been turned back by the holy strength and goodness of investors, who with firm resolve still hope to see greater profits by year's end, and are not swayed by tales of doom whispered to them by minions of the Devil.
And thus it shall be that the righteous and good shall ultimately triumph over the forces of evil, and so by the hand of God enjoy the bountiful fruits of a strong commodities market, and foresee a bountiful holiday season, with retailers anticipating increased sales of durable goods.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|