UnNews:Heater Kicks in at Tiger Woods' Home Due to Comfortable Thermostat Setting
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Heater Kicks in at Tiger Woods' Home Due to Comfortable Thermostat Setting
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, April 29, 2016, 02:15:UTC)(
8 December 2009
OCOEE, FL - A faint clicking noise was heard at the Tiger Woods residence overnight here as the heater clicked on due to the house temperature falling below the level set on the thermostat. Speculation is that the Woods family set the thermostat to the level that is comfortable to them, while still at a low enough temperature so as not to be wasteful.
Several other significant events transpired early this morning as reporters kept their twenty-four/seven watch over the residence in the public interest. Sprinklers came on at their scheduled 5:30 a.m. watering time, one of the residents emerged from the house to let the cat out, and the toaster was heard to eject an undetermined number of pieces of toast multiple times. Observers now believe that many of the household residents were eating toast, but there is no word on whether they used jam, cinnamon and sugar or honey.
These events are inclusive of yesterday's intriguing moments, including the television being turned on and off several times, and the watching of Bum Boys 4 by an unknown group of family members. There is no word on whether the film watcher(s) managed today to return the rented DVD to the local RedBox vending kiosk in time to avoid the extra dollar charge for the extra night.
As with every night, in the interest of the public's right to uncensored news and information, UnNews reporters will maintain uninterrupted watch on the Woods household and report on any further significant events as they transpire, especially if one is a pr0n actress.