|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
9 May 2010
TORONTO, Ontario -- Hot women have been known to have a variety of effects on men including impaired judgement, impulsive behaviours, and spontaneous erections but researchers with the University of Toronto have now confirmed that spending extended time with hotties can actually be damaging to one's health.
The study carried out at the University of Toronto, hired 84 heterosexual volunteers and had them sit in a room and solve a Suduko puzzle. Most had no idea how to do it but that was not important. Half of the volunteers were put in the room with a guy and the other half with a smoking hot babe with well proportioned breasts, a flawless face, and a rocking body. The men put in the room with the guys experienced no increases in their stress hormones, a few exceptions were noted when the male volunteer, who was homosexual, flirted with several of the participants. The men who were put in the room with the hottie however experienced a sharp increase in blood pressure, pulse rate, breathing rate, and levels of cortisol in the blood. Many also experienced erections lasting longer than four hours which required medical treatment.
As a result of this study, Health Canada, is considering banning beautiful women or at the very least regulating them. The lead researcher, Seymour Kuntz, cautioned the government about a backlash against hot and sexy women. They also stated in their research that hot women are harmful to health but no more so than alcohol and tobacco, both readily available and legal substances.
Also noted by researchers was that certain protective factors help some men deal with beautiful women better than others. The most harm that beautiful women cause is when they cause arousal in men but then don't satisfy those urges. Men who are smooth talkers, athletic, rich, and good looking are often able to seduce beautiful women, once sex occurs the negative health consequences of being with beautiful women appears to dissipate. Having sexual relations with beautiful women in moderation actually appears to be good for one's health, similiar to moderate drinking of wine and beer.
Kuntz noted that beautiful women don't have to be dangerous if consumed responsibly. "Beautiful women can be dangerous if left to their own devices but don't appear to cause harm to even-tempered men who only use occasionally and in moderate doses. Hot women cause the most problems for men who don't have these protective factors and continue to obsess over one attractive woman. Chasing numerous sexy woman at one time appears to be less harmful than focusing on only one. My advise is not to stop trying to seduce hotties, just don't go after one and don't make picking up women the only thing you do with your time". According to the study, men who are most at risk from exposure to beautiful women include weaklings, nerds, socially awkward people, aspies, ugly people, and poor people. "These women are only harmful to those way beneath them" added Kuntz.
Health Canada appears to have a different take on the situation, once considering a ban, they have now scaled back their plans to simply regulating the consumption of attractive women. New laws expected to be passed include forcing hotties to cover themselves up when out in public to avoid causing negative health effects on nearby men. Women will still be allowed to disrobe in strip clubs and in their own homes but will be barred from revealing any cleavage, leg, midsection, or ass in public. They will also be banned from wearing tight-fitting clothes. The ruling however, does not apply to ugly women, and they will still be able to disrobe in public.
While attractive women are protesting the results of the study and the new laws, some special intrest groups are rejoicing with Kuntz's results. The Canadian Association for the Advancement of Ugly People (CAAUP) is praising Kuntz's study as a way for ugly people to finally show themselves off without competition from all the hotties. They are calling for the government to go further though and ban all beautiful women from the country. Prime Minister Stephen Harper was considering starting a motion in parliament to do just that, exporting hotties to the United States where there are serious shortages. In the end though, Harper just decided to allow hotties to be regulated. Harper also said he will personally punish any beautiful woman who breaks the new law himself. Asked what this would be Harper declined to comment but those close to the Prime Minister indicated it would involve spanking and rough sex.