UnNews:He shoots, he misses!
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He shoots, he misses!
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, June 26, 2016, 22:57:UTC)(
27 July 2009
THE OFFICE -- After his nine consecutive slam dunks last week, Mr. John Smith; an intermediate accountant from Cashbooksjournalsledgersandstuff (Pty) Ltd, narrowly missed the small, blue, square bin in the corner of his office, which is positioned approximately 6.37 feet away from him, by mere millimeters after attempting to dispose of yet another old, unused document.
"I nearly had it! I was so close! I usually get em in all the time, but maybe it was the way in which I scrunched the paper this time that threw me off," said a somewhat disappointed Mr. Smith when interviewed by UnNews.
Fans are outraged; claiming that the disposed document was tampered with by office secretary, Wendy Wood. "I've never trusted that bitch. She is known to be a little stirrer of office politics, and I just know that she instigated all of this. Don't believe what she says for one minute," said Bridgette Brooks from the Human Recourses department.
An investigation was later conducted by Managing Director, Morgan Evans, but when she entered the quarantined area surrounding the bin, she found that the paper ball was completely missing from the scene. "At first I thought that someone must have gone in there and thrown the piece of paper into the bin afterwards, but when I looked inside it; I saw that the whole bin had been emptied. It turned out that it was the cleaning lady," Said a rather stern looking Mrs. Evans, who promptly fired the cleaning lady later that day for her conflict of interest.
Mr. Smith now faces public humiliation by his peers and possible divorce. Mr. Charles Credentials, The CEO of Cashbooksjournalsledgersandstuff (Pty) Ltd is also very concerned, saying that the reputation of Cashbooksjournalsledgersandstuff (Pty) Ltd is at stake and that Mr. Smith will have to put on a better performance if he still wants that promotion to senior accountant.
"I will be keeping a close eye on John over the next few months. He will have to prove himself if he wants to keep his job let alone be promoted. Until we can prove that someone did in fact manipulate that document; we can't risk having more failures," said Mr. Credentials, who has already had to let his previous accountant go because of his three out of twenty-five bin misses.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|