UnNews:Hawking: "We were wrong about everything" Interview exclusive.
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Hawking: "We were wrong about everything" Interview exclusive.
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, November 26, 2015, 09:46:UTC)(
2 June 2007
Stephen Hawking, man of science tells Darwin of Suburbia about his recent revelations:
I am sitting opposite an obvious genius, reclining in an armchair with a relaxed and motionless expression, his interesting transatlantic accent seemingly without punctuation. "All this time, we have been treating science as if it is a subject, or a degree course, but I'm sure everyone has seen it's fallacy. Since the 1920s it's just been a case of "Think of a number, and that's how many dimensions there are" or "think of a strange shape based on a random value of omega, and that's the way space-time is curved"". He chuckles, "Haaaaaaaaaa", one syllable. "I myself have been particularly poor in this respect, the rate at which I published new theories on the shape of the universe were only limited by how fast I could think of something to compare it to. Pringles, Trumpets, Midgets, Paper, some big spherical thing, haaaaaaaaaa". Having returned from a sightseeing trip to the sun, Hawking has given up cocaine. "It was holding me back, I needed complete independence, from drugs, my wife, the desire to feed. I now am free, and I run on batteries. This interview is on a tangential tragectory.". I quickly apologise, Stephen's snakelike robotic arm is extending from the base of his chair.
"I've basically given up science. Fundamentalism is the way forward. It requires no education at all, it's as if the whole old testament was written as a set of fables for people who didn't have cosmology! And you can use it to excuse anything! Racism, Sexism, War, anything's possible. And apparently, if you don't submit to it, they put you in this big torture thing.", Stephen is almost leaping out of his chair with enthusiasm, "I have learnt to crush that desire to learn right down into the back of my mind, it's just like breaking any other addiction.". Stephen is unsure of what he will do now, but he says that he is taking up basketball. Whatever happens, he is now a free man"