UnNews:Have a heart?
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Have a heart?
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, June 27, 2016, 13:23:UTC)(
14 July 2009
LONDON, England Do you have a heart? One which is in working order and beats on a regular basis? Then you could be at risk. Today police apprehended 16 year old Hannah Clark on charges of theft of bodily organs, most specifically a heart. Clark is apparently one of a large group of transplant patients who have been acquiring bodily organs illegally in order to put off the long wait on the hospital lists.
The police were originally alerted to these bizarre crimes when a number of bodies, brought to the morgue of the Great Ormund Street Hospital for Children, were found to be missing several and in some cases all of their vital organs. However what has greatly puzzled the police is the fact that there appears to be no incisions by which the organs would normally be accessed. Speaking from the Scotland Yard HQ, Constable Richard McGhee told UnNews that "there will be an ongoing investigation which will look into the possible use of Vacuum Cleaners in order to remove the vital organs from the bodies. Also we are committing the arrested youth to a hospital where she will undergo a series of mental and physical examinations to not only find out how the organs were put into her body but also whether or not she is entirely responsible for these actions."
The Piggybackers, a name doctors use to refer to transplant patients and is being used to refer to the perpetrators of the crimes, are expected to be working in groups, one pair distracting the parents of a child while another person removes the organs; once the organ is removed the parents are left with a dead child and without a clue how it happened. Due to this arrangement, the theory of a vacuum cleaner is disputed due to the resulting noise of the instrument, which would certainly arouse suspicion and also the requirement of an electrical socket - a rare thing to find in a playground - to get power. Christians have spoken out against the actions of the police saying that what has happened isn't a crime, but in fact an act of God, "We believe that this is a result of sexual experimentation. French kissing to be precise. God does not want our children frolicking around, kissing every Tom, Dick and Harry. He has now found an appropriate way to prevent it." Due to the lack of interest in Christianity's opinion, the Police have not bothered to comment.
Scientists however are looking into the idea that the Christians may not be that far off; not because of the religious aspect, but because of the kissing. "We know that these Piggybackers take the organs without any incisions made which suggests that they could be removed via the many orifices that a human body has. It may sound a bit far fetched but what if the organs were simply sucked out through the mouth of the victim?" This theory is one which has become extremely popular among the public and in particular Torchwood, a relatively unknown Government agency who conveniently appear whenever there is a mention of extraterrestrial life.
For now the police are refusing to comment on any theory apart from their own and are focusing on making the public more aware of the Piggybackers. "As we can see from Hannah, these evildoers will most likely be quite pale, take the form of a child and be quite stunted in growth, we beg people to take note of any suspicious behaviour or odd looking people and notify the police immediately." The police are expected continue to question Hannah about the people who she works with in order to find out more about them.
- Denis Campbell "Organ donation: the miracle of a girl who borrowed a heart". Guardian Online, July 14, 2009