UnNews:Haunted, Ted Kennedy returns to Chappaquiddick
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
29 December 2006
Chappaquidick, MA - Senator Ted Kennedy claims that he is being haunted by the ghost of Mary Jane Kopechne, the young aide whom he abandoned at the bottom of Poucha Pond after running off Dyke Bridge (also known as Dike Bridge) that connects Chappaquiddick Island with East Beach, provided that the driver does not run off the side of the bridge).
Kennedy and a houseful of guests, including several nubile young female aides whom Kennedy called the Boiler Room Girls because they were “hot“ and could “heat up a bedroom or the back seat of an automobile in no time at all,” partied hard for the weekend following Kennedy’s loss in an annual sailboat race off Martha’s Vineyard.
Although the senator claimed that he was taking Kopechne to the ferry landing site at the island’s east edge to catch the last ferry home, he turned right on the main road, heading east, instead of left, to drive west. It is believed by everyone except Kennedy that the senator intended to have sexual relations with Kopechne but, drunk at the wheel, he drove off the bridge instead, abandoning his date to her fate.
Kennedy did not report the “accident” for nine hours. Meantime, he tried to swear his friends and attorneys to his secret and swam to the mainland to pretend he’d been in a hotel there all the time, thereby seeking to establish an alibi. Back at the scene of the crime, Kennedy’s friends dove into the pond, seeking to rescue the trapped passenger, but were unable to reach the submerged car.
Later, a diver removed the young woman’s corpse from the wrecked automobile, and several experts have expressed their opinion that a large air pocket existed in the car’s back seat area that would have permitted Kopechne to survive in the automobile for several hours. Had Kennedy not waited for nine hours to notify authorities, they say, it is quite possible that she might be alive today.
Psychologists suggest that Kennedy, at 76, is facing his own mortality and that the thought of death and what may come after is preying on his mind. “I don’t think it’s his conscience that’s bothering him, especially since he doesn‘t have one,” Dr. N. Saine proposed. “I think it’s the increasing imminence of his own demise. He wants to be spared the torments of hell. His power, status, money, and political and mob connections may have helped him to escape justice in this world, but they will mean nothing in the world to come.”
“Mary Jo is haunting me,” Kennedy contended, wearing a neck brace, as he had at the inquest concerning his conduct, or lack thereof, at Chappaquiddick. “She says there’s a special Boiler Room assigned to me in hell, waiting for my arrival. I don’t know why she is harassing me. She’s supposed to be dead. I killed that bitch back in 1969. She should have the decency to stay buried and leave me alone. I’ve suffered enough. Look at this beer belly, the weight I’ve put on, the many venereal diseases I’ve suffered, all because of her.”
According to the senator, Kopechne’s ghost is “ghastly”:
“She’s wet, soaking wet. Her eyes are wide, staring at nothing, and her hair is wet and stringy. Her skin is pale and puckered, as if she’s been in the water a long time. She splashes when she walks, and a fish jumped out of her mouth once. She says, ‘Ted, I’m dead,’ over and over, as if I don’t know it. Hell, I’m the one who killed the bitch.”
In an effort to exorcise the ghost, Kennedy returned to Chappaquiddick, but the ghost followed him, he said. “I sat at the edge of Poucha Pond, recalling the worst day of my life, and, instead of allowing me to grieve, her ghost started to harass me again. Mary Jo Kopechne’s ghost is stalking me!”
Asked if he’d been drinking the fateful night of Kopechne’s death, Kennedy said, “I might have had a half dozen cocktails, but I wasn’t drunk.”
Asked whether he believes that he was responsible for her death, the senator replied, “No, she drowned.”
Had he planned, that night, to have sexual relations with Kopechne? “I‘m not a necrophiliac, if that’s what you’re implying.”
What does Kopechne’s ghost want? “That’s what I asked her--or it,” Kennedy said. “All the dead bitch says, over and over, is the same word, ‘justice,’ ‘justice,’ ‘justice,’ as if I didn’t get a two-month suspended sentence for leaving the scene of an accident. My wife wasn’t overjoyed to hear I’d been drinking and carousing with young women, either, and, worst of all, my car was a total wreck.”
None of the others involved in the incident at Chappaquiddick would comment on the events that transpired that night.
“Justice was served,” Kennedy continues to claim. “That dead bitch should leave me alone. Hell, she probably wouldn’t have given it up, anyway, no matter how I cajoled, pleaded, and threatened her. Why can’t she let me rest in peace, as I have allowed her to do?”
- YTedK "CHAPPAQUIDDICK: A Profile in Cowardice - Ted Kennedy, the accident, and the cover-up". YTedK, December 29, 2006