UnNews:Has Tiger Woods lost his mojo?
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Has Tiger Woods lost his mojo?
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, October 24, 2016, 18:33:UTC)(
6 August 2010
LAS VEGAS, Nevada -- It's been more than eight months and as many mistresses since Tiger Woods was chased from his house by an irate Viking bitch-wife Elin Nordegren, and smashed his SUV into a tree, thereby shifting the eyes of the world from his unparalleled golf game to his possibly unparalleled inability to 'work his mojo' since the scandal broke.
Woods still carries 9 inches in his trousers, but as he trudges along the casinos in this summer of his discontent, it's clear that he's misplaced something more important than his wife and golf game. He's lost his mojo. Now the world's greatest lover has every reason to wonder if he'll ever get it back.
Since his return to womanizing in April this year, Woods has secretly shagged only seven bimbos; by this time last year, he'd put away 18 birdies. Still he hasn't been able to get his mojo. He tried to get his mojo with various women, but every time he finished a disappointing limp limb, a problem he never had in the past.
Recently Woods ranked 142 in Thrusting Accuracy Percentage, but last year he was at 23. He was 3rd in Petting Average, one of his strongest assets; now he's No. 93. Woods was 16th in Horned Dog Attitude; now he's No. 111.
Sex psychologists say the cause of the sharp decline in Woods' numbers may not be found in his thrust or Tantra positions – but, rather, in his head. They say Woods is a textbook case of an athlete in a sexual slump.
"I think what's going on with Tiger is he has this immense stress that he may not be appreciative of that's affecting and leaking into his sex life," said Dr. Gregg Steinberg, a sex psychologist and consultant to professional sex addicts whose clients include Playboy Club founder, Hugh Hefner. "He might be looking for different answers, like in his physical body, but it's really an emotional issue where he needs to work on the stress in his life."
Steinberg says Woods desperately needs his mojo, and soon, to keep his lack of self-confidence from wilting further, and a good romp in Las Vegas with a room full of showgirls will hopefully be the boost he needs. But a poor showing could be very bad.
"The longer he doesn't work his mojo, the harder it gets for him," Steinberg said. "So if Tiger doesn't get his mojo working this year, it's going to be even harder next year."
Despite the sex scandals and his decline in bed, Woods is still the most-liked hunk in the U.S., according to a Hustler Magazine Poll conducted in June. This show of support suggests the public believes Woods can still beat the competition, even when he's not at his best.
Sex psychology consultant Dr. Jack Llewellyn, who has counseled impotent athletes whose sexual performances suffered because of turbulence in their personal lives, says he thinks Woods can return to the "Tiger Tour," but only if he is willing to admit there is a flaw in his 'mental armour'.
Llewellyn said Woods might be trying too hard in order to make up for lost time.
"You drift into casual sex too little, and you don't give credit to how important the mental game is," Llewellyn said. "He should bang one hundred of Topanga Canyon's best fluffers with a sole purpose just to work his mojo again after so long."'
He said he thinks Woods can begin to revive if he begins watching Japanese gokkun and bukkake films. He further suggested a switch to exotic Thai beauties, who tolerate infidelity, rather than violent Swedish spouses – in consideration of his Thai maternal heritage.
"The better Tiger takes care of himself mentally and physically, the more quality energy he's going to have to release during sexscapades," Llewellyn said. "He's got to get that back, because Tiger Woods always had it, and somewhere along the line it just got misplaced. He’s simply lost his mojo. And if you had it, you can get it back - maybe."