Harvard decides to cease admissions
Straight talk, from straight faces
Saturday, February 16, 2019, 01:45:UTC)(
8 April 2007
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CAMBRIDGE, MA- After recently announcing that it would phase out early- action admissions over the next year, President Derek Bok published yesterday that Harvard would be taking this step "to the next level"; Harvard University will not be accepting any admissions this year whatsoever. In what has been considered a surprise move by some, the University came upon this course of action while reviewing the recent applications that the university had been receiving. "No one was making the cut," said Dr. Steven Hyman, Harvard's Dean of Admissions. "We were just getting legacy after legacy after legacy. And don't even get me started on all of the Asians! We simply weren't that impressed with anyone."
Many Harvard students seem excited about the change in admissions policy. "I just wish that they had done this sooner; freshmen are really annoying," stated Jan Woo-Ping, who is now in the second semester of his sophomore year at Harvard. "They get all of the good dorms, and they have no respect for authority."
Indeed, it seems that the Harvard students are taking advantage of the new student shortage. Without students to fill the dorms, the Harvard administration has simply decided to give the dorms away to whomever wants them. Many upperclassmen have commandeered freshman dorms, and many now possess two dormitory rooms, often on opposite sides of campus.
Marcus Talijabak was all smiles talking about the new dorm options. "It's a great place to keep all my crap," he said between bites of a slice of cheese pizza he picked up off of the floor.
Princeton has decided to follow in Harvard's footsteps as per usual. The school that, according to certain other unnamed Ivy League schools, "doesn't matter", has also decided to lower its admissions rate to absolute zero. "If Harvard does it, then god dammit, we're going to do it, too!" yelled Shirley Tilghman at a recent faculty meeting. "We do SO matter!"
When asked about whether or not Harvard was phasing itself out of existence by no longer accepting undergrads, Dr. Hyman adamantly denied it. "We still have our graduate school...and our MBA program! Everyone loves our MBA program!"
Yale University, however, has taken the ever-opposite view of Harvard; this year, Yale is accepting 100% of its applicants. When asked if they would accept any of the 20,000 seniors who were rejected from Harvard this year, President Richard Levin gave us a flat-out "No." "As Jonathan Edwards wrote in 1753, 'I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like them, Sam I am. I do not like green eggs and ham, and all Harvard kids are little bitches.'"
The undergraduate size of Yale is expected to increase from 5,000 to 25,000 next year alone. As such, President Levin has decided to put some of the University's $18 billion endowment to work, authorizing the building of 121 new residential colleges, which would raise Yale's total dorm count from 12 to 133. The university has already acquired all of the land within 20 blocks of campus, which will all be bulldozed or converted into residential dorms. Among the buildings to be converted are the New Haven Town Hall (or Woolsey College) and the New Haven public library (or Norton College). "It may bankrupt the entire university," said Levin with a huge smile on his face, "but we're still better than Harvard!"